7 Lessons to Unlearn from a Toxic Childhood and How to Do It (2022)

Healing from a difficult childhood is possible. Here’s a list of lessons you may want to unlearn and how to find support along the way.

7 Lessons to Unlearn from a Toxic Childhood and How to Do It (1)Share on Pinterest

If you had a tough childhood, trust that you’re not alone. A not-so-ideal upbringing is an extremely common reality shared by many people all over the world.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 61% of adults report having at least one adverse childhood experience (ACE), with women and People of Color at a higher risk of experiencing more than four ACEs.

These potentially traumatic experiences can instill harmful lessons in children that ultimately become the foundation of how they may navigate life through adulthood. Although these childhood lessons may be deep-rooted, it’s possible to unlearn, de-condition, and heal at any time.

According to Australia-based psychotherapist Shagoon Maurya, “toxic childhood refers to the period of childhood with unfavorable and everlasting experiences [where] the perceiving child subconsciously learns harmful traits which affect [their] life later on.”

A toxic childhood could include any of the following experiences:

  • Your emotional needs weren’t met by caretakers.
  • Your parents were controlling, neglectful, or overprotective.
  • You experienced abuse (e.g. physical, verbal, emotional, sexual).
  • You experienced or witnessed traumatic situations.
  • You grew up in a “dysfunctional” family (whatever that means to you).
  • You felt a lack of support, validation, or acceptance from authority figures.
  • There were frequent high levels of stress or instability in your household.

It’s important to note that one person’s difficult childhood may look different than yours, and that’s OK. Your experience is valid no matter what your childhood looked like or what you learned during it.

If you experienced a toxic childhood, these are some of the lessons that may be ingrained in your brain and that you may wish to unlearn.

Love is conditional

According to therapist Heather Timm, MA, LPC, this belief can stem from receiving praise or affection only when things are done to a caregiver’s standard and/or being punished when things aren’t.

“In a kid’s mind, and rightfully so, 1+1 = 2,” she says. (“When I do good things that make them happy, then they love me. And when I do things that make them unhappy, then they don’t love me.”)

Hide your authentic self

If you grew up in a home where your caregivers shamed, insulted, or abused you for being yourself, it’s natural that you’d hide who you truly are throughout life to stay safe.

This is especially true for LGBTQIA+ folks who grew up in households where their toy choices or crushes were considered wrong or sinful. It could also simply relate to children who love to talk but were often silenced at home.

Hide your feelings

“For kids that grow up in a toxic, abusive, or neglectful home environment, they’re not taught how to experience or express feelings in a healthy way, or how to self-soothe, for that matter, because they’ve never been shown how,” says Timm.

As a result, she says they can grow up to become adults who internalize emotions and may even engage in acts of self-harm.

Older research suggests that substance use is also common among folks with ACEs. Timm suggests this is because substances can be numbing or inspire different feelings.

Emotional connection isn’t safe

This may have served as a defense mechanism or adaptive response, but Timm notes that we’re hardwired and hungry for connection as humans.

“We want to be able to be vulnerable and have others know that it’s safe to be vulnerable with us. But when we struggle with the discomfort of being vulnerable because we’ve labeled it as ‘not safe,’ then our natural (adaptive) instinct is to disconnect,” she explains.

(Video) 6 ways to heal trauma without medication | Bessel van der Kolk | Big Think

Whether or not we consciously sabotage relationships as a result, she points out that we’re continuously reinforcing the lesson that “vulnerability isn’t safe.”

You must be a perfectionist or people-pleaser

“Children who were ignored and had unmet needs might become people pleasers and give their all to everyone as compensation for them not getting enough from their parents,” says Maurya, noting this could lead to:

  • excessive burnouts
  • an increase in dependency
  • a higher chance of being exploited by others

“The root of perfectionism comes from a place of desperation to earn approval and avoid judgment, blame, or being shamed for being less than,” adds Timm. She says that this drive could also result from not wanting anyone to know what’s really going on at home.

Whatever you do isn’t good enough

According to Timm, this belief is common among folks who:

  • grew up in invalidating environments
  • were often deemed the scapegoat
  • internalized what their caregivers did to them
  • were told they’re not good enough

For example, if your parents prioritized using substances over taking care of you, or your caregiver was abusive and unappreciative, you may think that nothing you do is good enough (when, in reality, you’re always good enough).

You deserve your treatment

This belief is developmentally appropriate for kids who believe that they’re the center of the universe, says Timm. It would also make sense if their caregivers specifically told them that they deserved their treatment and punishment.

“Without the proper support, it can be challenging to logically conclude that the treatment they received was not because of them,” she says. “And if cognitive distortions provide an adaptability feature, then making this conclusion would have the kid changing behaviors in order to adapt to a dangerous or toxic environment.”

(Video) 8 Childhood Lessons You Should Unlearn

Whether your goal is healing from dysfunctional family dynamics or recovering from toxic parents, rest assured that you can unlearn the harmful lessons you learned as a child.

Reflect on your beliefs

Timm recommends really paying attention to what you tell yourself every day without labeling those thoughts as “good” or “bad.”

(Video) 10 Unhelpful Life Lessons You Need To Unlearn Now

Next, she recommends exploring where these thoughts come from by asking yourself:

  • When is the earliest time you can remember thinking this? And what was going on for the thought to form?
  • Is this a story that you’re continuing to tell yourself?
  • What are the benefits and limitations of this story?
  • This may have served a purpose once upon a time, but does it serve a purpose now?

Try empowering reframes

“Humans evolved to think adaptively, not logically,” says Timm, who explains that these lessons can stem from an adaptive response to increase the likelihood of surviving a toxic childhood.

She notes that this “survival” perspective may increase kindness and compassion for yourself and lessen the feeling of being “flawed” or “wrong” for having these beliefs in adulthood.

Whenever an ingrained lesson pops up, she suggests considering the following reframe: “I created this belief to survive a toxic childhood, and it helped me get through that experience. I’m no longer in that experience, and I’m no longer that child, and I have the power to change this thought.”

Engage in mindfulness practices

A 2017 study suggests that mindfulness interventions can reduce the impact of ACEs and improve a person’s quality of life.

Mindfulness benefits include but are not limited to:

  • boosting immune system
  • increasing relaxation
  • reducing stress and anxiety

Practice forgiveness

What happened during your childhood wasn’t your fault.

Try to practice forgiving yourself of any blame, guilt, or shame associated with any trauma or adverse experiences you endured. It may be easier said than done, but forgiveness may offer you a sense of freedom and relief you’re seeking.

Try inner child work

Inner child work involves the presence of an “inner child” who stays with us as adults who may have unmet needs or seek attention from us.

“In this form of treatment, the unmet wants and needs of the child are brought back into consciousness and then resolved by gaining more knowledge of oneself, being aware of triggers, and establishing a sense of security,” says Maurya.

Try somatic techniques

Everyone experiences trauma differently. For example, you might feel a stressful or traumatic event in your chest, whereas someone else feels it in their stomach. Somatic therapy exercises may help you locate and work through these feelings.

“Understanding where inside the body these messages are stored and ways to manage and lessen the intensities of these messages would be a valuable coping skill for anyone who’s working to unlearn destructive messages from their childhood,” says Timm.

(Video) Childhood Trauma and the Brain | UK Trauma Council

You’re never alone in your healing journey. Support is available for you through every part of the unlearning process.

Consider pursuing any of the following helpful resources:

  • follow educators who specialize in childhood trauma and recovery on social media
  • read self-help books and articles from qualified writers
  • watch videos from trusted experts and advocates from organizations
  • build community by joining a support group with other survivors of childhood trauma
  • see a therapist (within your comfort and safety level, especially if you have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or C-PTSD)
  • speak with a trusted confidante or loved one about your experiences

Although lessons learned from surviving a toxic childhood are deep-rooted, it’s possible for you to manage and overcome them. Everyone’s experience is different, but examples of lessons you may have learned as a child include:

  • Love is conditional.
  • Be a people-pleaser.
  • It’s not safe to be yourself.
  • Keep your feelings to yourself.
  • You deserved your treatment.

Self-reflection, forgiveness, mindfulness, and somatic exercises can help you unlearn these lessons. Resources that may help along the way include support groups, therapists, loved ones, books, and educators. You’re never alone, and help is always available.

Remember that you don’t need to “fix” yourself because you’re not broken or damaged. We all continue to grow and heal throughout our lives. If and when you’re ready, you can unlearn the harmful lessons you picked up during your toxic childhood and learn healthier ways to navigate life as an adult.

FAQs

How do you unlearn childhood trauma? ›

7 Ways to Heal Your Childhood Trauma
  1. Acknowledge and recognize the trauma for what it is. ...
  2. Reclaim control. ...
  3. Seek support and don't isolate yourself. ...
  4. Take care of your health. ...
  5. Learn the true meaning of acceptance and letting go. ...
  6. Replace bad habits with good ones. ...
  7. Be patient with yourself.
17 Jul 2009

How do you recover from toxic childhood? ›

Healing from a difficult childhood is possible. Here's a list of lessons you may want to unlearn and how to find support along the way. If you had a tough childhood, trust that you're not alone.
...
Engage in mindfulness practices
  1. boosting immune system.
  2. increasing relaxation.
  3. reducing stress and anxiety.
21 Oct 2021

How do you break a trauma bond fast? ›

Outside of getting professional support, here are some steps you can take on your own to break free from a trauma bonded relationship:
  1. Educate Yourself. ...
  2. Focus on the Here and Now. ...
  3. Create Some Space. ...
  4. Find Support. ...
  5. Practice Good Self-Care. ...
  6. Make Future Plans. ...
  7. Develop Healthy Relationships. ...
  8. Give Yourself Permission to Heal.
18 Feb 2022

How do I know if I was emotionally neglected as a child? ›

Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect

Low self-esteem. Difficulty regulating emotions. Inability to ask for or accept help or support from others. Heightened sensitivity to rejection.

What is the best therapy for childhood trauma? ›

Cognitive processing therapy (CPT) is a subtype of cognitive behavioral therapy. CPT is often a first choice when treating PTSD, especially when addressing the long-term effects of childhood traumas in adults. For PTSD, the American Psychiatric Association recommends treatment over 12 sessions.

What mental disorders are caused by childhood trauma? ›

Trauma and Stressor-related Disorders in Children
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). ...
  • Acute stress disorder (ASD). ...
  • Adjustment disorders. ...
  • Reactive attachment disorder (RAD). ...
  • Disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED). ...
  • Unclassified and unspecified trauma disorders.

How can I stop being toxic anymore? ›

Learn how to stop being toxic with these seven steps:
  1. Apologize when necessary. Everyone exhibits bad behavior from time to time. ...
  2. Assess yourself regularly. ...
  3. Be open to feedback. ...
  4. Deal with past trauma. ...
  5. Practice mindfulness. ...
  6. Respect boundaries. ...
  7. Seek opportunities for compassion.
4 Mar 2022

How do I fix my toxic traits? ›

How to Stop Being a Toxic Person?
  1. Be aware of yourself and your behavior.
  2. Know your values and abide by them.
  3. Be a good listener.
  4. Be empathetic and compassionate.
  5. Think first, react second.
  6. Let your ego go.
  7. Show vulnerability and accountability.
  8. Reach out for help.
19 Jul 2021

Can a toxic person change for the better? ›

If you've addressed toxic behavior with the person exhibiting it and they have taken it to heart, it's possible for toxic people to change. “Toxic people can absolutely change,” Kennedy says, “however they must see their part in the problem before they are likely to find the motivation to do so.”

What are some toxic traits? ›

Toxic people care mostly about themselves. They don't think about how their actions affect others and believe they are better than everyone else. Someone who is self-centered is focused on getting what they want and is unlikely to compromise or consider another person's point of view.

What is the process of unlearning? ›

Unlearning is the process of discarding something from your memory. When you unlearn something you forget it, put it aside, and you lose knowledge of it.

How long does it take for your brain to break a habit? ›

It takes 21 days to break an addiction

According to psychologists, while it may take approximately 21 days of conscious and consistent effort to create a new habit, it takes far longer to break an existing habit.

How do I let go of childhood pain? ›

Tips for letting go
  1. Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts. ...
  2. Create physical distance. ...
  3. Do your own work. ...
  4. Practice mindfulness. ...
  5. Be gentle with yourself. ...
  6. Allow the negative emotions to flow. ...
  7. Accept that the other person may not apologize. ...
  8. Engage in self-care.

How do you know if you have a toxic childhood? ›

6 Signs You Have a Toxic Childhood
  1. You live in fear. ...
  2. You've lost your sense of self. ...
  3. You have a hard time believing in love. ...
  4. You are quick to blame yourself when things go wrong. ...
  5. You have a hard time with your emotions. ...
  6. You're very self-critical. ...
  7. 7 Signs of Self-Sabotage. ...
  8. 5 Patterns that Mess Up Your Relationships.
20 May 2020

What are the traits of toxic parents? ›

Signs you might have a toxic parent include:
  • They're self-centered. They don't think about your needs or feelings.
  • They're emotional loose cannons. They overreact, or create drama.
  • They overshare. ...
  • They seek control. ...
  • They're harshly critical. ...
  • They lack boundaries.

What does trauma dumping look like? ›

According to Dr. Prewitt, some specific examples of trauma dumping include: A coworker sharing specific details of a difficult divorce while at a casual lunch with colleagues. A friend sharing details of a toxic relationship, without allowing the other person to talk about their day.

How do I know if Im in a trauma bond? ›

Travers says if you're immediately coming to their defense and justifying their actions toward you, even when they're clearly in the wrong, that's a key sign you're in a trauma bond. In a healthy relationship, you should both step up and take accountability when you can do better.

How do you know if you are traumatized? ›

Intrusive memories

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event. Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event. Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event.

What happens when emotional needs are not met as a child? ›

For children, affectional neglect may have devastating consequences, including failure to thrive, developmental delay, hyperactivity, aggression, depression, low self-esteem, running away from home, substance abuse, and a host of other emotional disorders.

How do you identify childhood trauma in adults? ›

8 Signs of Repressed Childhood Trauma in Adults
  1. Strong Unexplained Reactions to Specific People. ...
  2. Lack of Ease in Certain Places. ...
  3. Extreme Emotional Shifts. ...
  4. Attachment Issues. ...
  5. Anxiety. ...
  6. Childish Reactions. ...
  7. Consistent Exhaustion. ...
  8. Unable to Cope in Normal Stressful Situations.
16 Aug 2021

What are the 4 types of child neglect? ›

Answer
  • Physical Neglect. The failure to provide necessary food, clothing, and shelter; inappropriate or lack of supervision.
  • Medical Neglect. The failure to provide necessary medical or mental health treatment.
  • Educational Neglect. ...
  • Emotional Neglect.
27 Dec 2018

What is the most common childhood trauma? ›

The most common causes of childhood trauma include:
  • Emotional abuse or neglect.
  • Physical abuse or neglect.
  • Separation from a parent or caregiver.
  • Sexual abuse.
  • Stress caused by poverty.
  • Sudden and/or serious medical condition.
  • Violence (at home, at school, or in the surrounding community)
  • War/terrorism.

What does PTSD from childhood trauma look like? ›

Re-experiencing or re-living unwanted memories as flashbacks or nightmares. Hyper-arousal: problems with sleep, irritability, anger, anxiety, hyper-alertness, exaggerated startle response. Hypo-arousal: feeling numb or cut off, feeling detached from others, dissociating, feeling flat or empty.

What are the 17 symptoms of complex PTSD? ›

The 17 Most Common Symptoms of PTSD
  • Vivid Flashbacks. A PTSD flashback is when you relive your traumatic experience, and it feels like it is happening all over again right in that moment. ...
  • Nightmares. ...
  • Self-Isolation. ...
  • Depression. ...
  • Substance Abuse. ...
  • Emotional Avoidance. ...
  • Feeling on Edge, or Hyperarousal.
1 Feb 2021

What is the most common psychological trauma? ›

Perhaps one of the most common forms of trauma is emotional abuse. This can be a common form of trauma because emotional abuse can take many different forms. Sometimes it's easy for emotional abuse to be hidden or unrecognized.

How does an abusive childhood affect adulthood? ›

Maltreatment can cause victims to feel isolation, fear, and distrust, which can translate into lifelong psychological consequences that can manifest as educational difficulties, low self-esteem, depression, and trouble forming and maintaining relationships.

How do you know if you have unresolved childhood trauma? ›

Unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, relationship problems and physical symptoms like headaches or nausea are some of the ways that unresolved trauma can manifest, according to the American Psychological Association.

What causes a person to be toxic? ›

People are often toxic because they're not interested in being stable and healthy in relationships. Another sign of a toxic person is no boundaries. If you've been clear with someone time and again about your needs, and they just can't help themselves but to disrespect you, they are toxic.

How do I know I'm toxic? ›

A toxic person is one who causes harm to others through their words and actions. They leave others worse off than before they met or interacted with them. Sometimes this harm is felt instantly. Other times, it builds slowly with time and repeated exposure.

What happens when you ignore a toxic person? ›

Being ignored could cause you to behave in ways you might not normally― things like questioning and second-guessing yourself and others, lashing out, or doubting yourself and situations where you normally don't. You might start to feel like you're bothering the other person or being too needy.

What's a worst personality characteristic? ›

The list of bad human traits is long. It includes: arrogance, deception, delusion, dishonesty, ego, envy, greed, hatred, immorality, lying, selfishness, unreliability, violence, etc.

What are things that toxic people say? ›

10 Things That Toxic People Might Say.
  • “You're being overly emotional.”
  • “I was kidding. Why are you overreacting?”
  • “I didn't say that.”
  • “You're crazy. Something is wrong with you.”
  • “I can't do anything right.”
  • “Stop bringing the past up and move on.”
  • “I'm going to sleep.”
  • “You're being possessive.
20 Jan 2021

How do you finally let someone go? ›

How to let go of someone
  1. Recognize when it's time. Learning when it's time to let go is often the most difficult part of this process. ...
  2. Identify limiting beliefs. ...
  3. Change your story. ...
  4. Stop the blame game. ...
  5. Embrace the “F” word. ...
  6. Master your emotions. ...
  7. Practice empathy. ...
  8. Adopt an attitude of gratitude.

How do you walk away from someone you care about? ›

Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing him. You left this relationship for a reason. Keep those reasons in mind daily going forward.

How do you disarm a toxic person? ›

5 Ways to Disarm Toxic People - YouTube

How do you unlearn toxic coping mechanisms? ›

Replacing Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms in 2021
  1. What Are Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms?
  2. Focus on Constructive Tasks.
  3. Don't Avoid the Negative.
  4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others.
  5. Try Not to “Catastrophize”
  6. Stay Grounded in the Present.
  7. Learn Healthy Coping Mechanisms.
23 Dec 2020

How do you get rid of toxic patterns? ›

Toxic relationships: How to break unhealthy patterns
  1. Be active in your relationship. ...
  2. Make time to connect and share experiences. ...
  3. Take a step back and try and look at your relationship objectively. ...
  4. Learn to have better arguments. ...
  5. Beware that the thing you were once attracted to can be the thing that undoes you.

What is the process of unlearning? ›

Unlearning is the process of discarding something from your memory. When you unlearn something you forget it, put it aside, and you lose knowledge of it.

Can a toxic person change for the better? ›

If you've addressed toxic behavior with the person exhibiting it and they have taken it to heart, it's possible for toxic people to change. “Toxic people can absolutely change,” Kennedy says, “however they must see their part in the problem before they are likely to find the motivation to do so.”

What are three unhealthy coping skills for PTSD? ›

Ginger Mercer: How Treatment Helps Me
  • Substance abuse. Taking a lot of drugs or alcohol to feel better is called substance abuse. ...
  • Avoiding others. ...
  • Staying always on guard. ...
  • Avoiding reminders of the trauma. ...
  • Anger and violent behavior. ...
  • Dangerous behavior. ...
  • Working too much.

What are 4 examples of negative coping strategies? ›

Some of the most common unhealthy coping mechanisms are:
  • Avoiding issues. ...
  • Sleeping too much. ...
  • Excessive drug or alcohol use. ...
  • Impulsive spending. ...
  • Over or under eating.

How do you know if you have a toxic childhood? ›

6 Signs You Have a Toxic Childhood
  1. You live in fear. ...
  2. You've lost your sense of self. ...
  3. You have a hard time believing in love. ...
  4. You are quick to blame yourself when things go wrong. ...
  5. You have a hard time with your emotions. ...
  6. You're very self-critical. ...
  7. 7 Signs of Self-Sabotage. ...
  8. 5 Patterns that Mess Up Your Relationships.
20 May 2020

How do I know I'm toxic? ›

A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don't present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way.

How do I know if I am a toxic one? ›

Signs of a toxic person.
  1. You're always sarcastic.
  2. You deal with conflict in a roundabout way.
  3. Everything is a competition.
  4. You turn everything into a joke.
  5. You want to fix everyone and everything.
  6. You secretly crave disaster because of the care you receive from it.
29 Jun 2021

How do you know someone is toxic? ›

Do you feel:
  1. You have to constantly save this person and fix their problems.
  2. You are covering up or hiding for them.
  3. You dread seeing them.
  4. You feel drained after being with them.
  5. You get angry, sad or depressed when you are around them.
  6. They cause you to gossip or be mean.
  7. You feel you have to impress them.

What are some things you wish you could unlearn? ›

Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:
  • Problems are bad. ...
  • It's important to stay happy. ...
  • I'm irreparably damaged by my past. ...
  • Working hard leads to success. ...
  • Success is the opposite of failure. ...
  • It matters what people think of me. ...
  • We should think rationally about our decisions.
5 May 2010

What is an example of unlearning? ›

Examples of unlearning

For example, you probably grew up learning that Pluto is a planet. Then, all of a sudden, you had to unlearn that, because it was no longer a planet. That's just one of many examples. You may move countries and unlearn local customs, like driving on a certain side of the road.

What are some things to unlearn? ›

10 Things You Should Unlearn to Succeed at Work
  • Being Content. ...
  • Procrastination. ...
  • Doing Same Thing Again and Again. ...
  • Going Without a Plan. ...
  • Hard Work. ...
  • Learn to Say No. ...
  • Stop Being Impartial. ...
  • It is Normal to Get Along.
21 Jun 2019

What happens when you ignore a toxic person? ›

Being ignored could cause you to behave in ways you might not normally― things like questioning and second-guessing yourself and others, lashing out, or doubting yourself and situations where you normally don't. You might start to feel like you're bothering the other person or being too needy.

What are things that toxic people say? ›

10 Things That Toxic People Might Say.
  • “You're being overly emotional.”
  • “I was kidding. Why are you overreacting?”
  • “I didn't say that.”
  • “You're crazy. Something is wrong with you.”
  • “I can't do anything right.”
  • “Stop bringing the past up and move on.”
  • “I'm going to sleep.”
  • “You're being possessive.
20 Jan 2021

How do you emotionally detach from a toxic person? ›

If you can't completely avoid or scale back the amount of time you spend with someone, you still have options.
  1. Set boundaries. “Boundaries are essential,” Sueskind says. ...
  2. Have an exit strategy. ...
  3. Change your routine. ...
  4. Encourage them to get help. ...
  5. Don't get personal. ...
  6. Maintain calm. ...
  7. Work with a therapist.
20 Nov 2019

Videos

1. Parenting Styles that Shaped Me - Lessons from My Childhood 💯 (Plus: How to Unlearn Toxic Traits!)
(Oghenekeneh Leo)
2. 10 Signs You Might Have Toxic Parents
(Hendricks Therapy)
3. 4 Evil Things Narcissistic Parents Teach Children
(Michele Lee Nieves Coaching)
4. 6 Unrealistic Expectations from Your Childhood That Affect You for a Lifetime
(Interesting Psychology)
5. Healing the Inner Child: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Strategies to Address Trauma and Abandonment
(Doc Snipes)
6. A simple way to break a bad habit | Judson Brewer
(TED)

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