How to Spot Abusive People and Stop Getting into Toxic Relationships - Tiny Buddha (2023)

How to Spot Abusive People and Stop Getting into Toxic Relationships - Tiny Buddha (1)

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

When it comes to dating, I have always been drawn to people who made me work for their love and validation. Despite the fact that I, like anyone else, wish to be with somebody that loves and supports me, I have always somehow managed to attract the opposite.

My relationship history has been fraught with rejection, feeling unworthy, and trying harder to win love and approval. Every time I felt criticized or undervalued, I would look inward and ask myself what I could do to make my partner love me more. I always felt as if it was my fault, and when in doubt, I would blame myself.

I’m an overthinker and would spend a lot of time in self-reflection. I came to understand that the trauma I had experienced as a child played a large part in my relationship choices.

Experiencing trauma as a young child leaves a faulty wiring imprint on your nervous system. Instead of developing a secure attachment, the trauma/abuse/neglect causes the brain to develop differently.

I grew up with very little love and affection and never felt valued by my parents.

Children who grow up without consistent care and love learn to cope in various ways. They become hypervigilant of people’s moods around them (so that they can stay out of the way of an angry/moody parent, for example), and they can also learn to disassociate from their feelings because they cannot escape the situation.

Trauma as a child often leads to an anxious attachment style or an ambivalent attachment style, and this affects adult attachment styles too.

(Video) The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood

I know for sure that I have an anxious attachment style, and I also have low self-belief and self-confidence. This makes me a prime target for toxic partners such as narcissists or other abusive individuals.

It is commonly known that narcissistic types attract co-dependent, insecure types. The root cause of co-dependency is the fear of being abandoned. Co-dependents work hard in relationships to avoid the threat of abandonment. Toxic people, however, don’t respond to more love and attention; it just fuels their abuse.

I knew I needed to break this pattern, or I would never be happy in love. I am now quite adept at recognizing the signs of a toxic person.

Here are the common signs that you’re in a toxic relationship:

They tend to lack empathy (although they know how to fake it for at least the first three to six months) and the world revolves around them, not you.

Of course, people on the autistic spectrum can seem to lack empathy, so this isn’t a guaranteed science, but it is still a sign to consider. My ex found it virtually impossible to put himself in my shoes. He would sometimes say the right things, but his words never really came from the heart.

My ex abandoned me at Heathrow airport because there was an unexpected issue with my passport. Instead of considering how I might feel, he swore loudly and kicked the baggage around and then said he had to go without me because he didn’t want his birthday ruined.

We had planned to fly via Singapore to Sydney. I should have known then that this was the start of many awful episodes to come. Thankfully, I joined him twenty-four hours later after hastily getting a new passport issued, but he dumped me (for the first time) four weeks later.

They will always be at the center of everything they do, and your needs will be unimportant.

Their time and needs take priority over yours. Relationships are all about compromise and consideration for each other. When the give-get ratio is imbalanced it is often a sign that the relationship will not be equal.

If you confront them about this one-sided dynamic, they will either dismiss what you say, ignore you, or turn the conversation around and begin to play the victim.

(Video) 6 Traits That Reveals Toxic People and What To Do About It - Robert Greene EXPOSES Toxic People

When I would confront my ex about his selfishness, he would sometimes breakdown and cry and say, “I know I am a terrible boyfriend,” but then he would soon stop crying and life would carry on as it did before.

They will justify cheating on you and lie about it.

A friend told me over lunch one day that she had seen my ex on Match.com for the previous nine months. I felt sick, and when I confronted him, he said that it was only ”light window shopping.” I was an idiot and I stayed. I only had myself to blame for allowing this to continue.

Toxic individuals regard others as objects to be used. I felt replaceable and never felt fully secure in the relationship. Ironically, the one thing that attracted me to my ex in the very beginning was how keen he was on me. I love the way he chased me and the very next day after our first date he called and said, “At the risk of seeming too keen, I was wondering if you’d like to join me again tonight?”

I was flattered, but of course this is a common sign of a toxic individual. They move in fast; they gain your affection and trust very quickly. Once you’re hooked the manipulation and the control begins.

Another thing to look out for is subtle or overt criticism.

My ex would comment on my posture at the dinner table, the way I spoke to friends, the way I cooked, as well as the tidiness of my house. He didn’t like it if I watched television too much and would treat me like a child. He was very controlling, but he never saw that in himself.

Once, on a journey in the car, I saw the funny side (thank goodness I had humor to help get me through) when he said, “I am not controlling, but don’t ever use the word ‘controlling’ to describe me.”

A friend of mine remarked at a later date, “That’s like saying ‘I don’t f#%@ing swear’.” Utter madness!

Emotional abuse can also occur in the absence of criticism, selfishness, and controlling behavior.

Being ignored can be just as painful. When I was stone-walled or felt neglected, it triggered my childhood trauma and transported me back to the feeling that nothing I did was good enough.

In fact, my ex triggered me a lot and made me realize how dysfunctional the relationship was. It’s an interesting cycle that I have come across numerous times: childhood trauma and subsequent toxic adult relationships.

(Video) SIGNS Of An Abusive Relationship You SHOULDN'T Ignore (Signs Of Emotional Abuse)

This is what I have learned since finally moving on from my toxic ex-partner:

If someone is too smooth in the very beginning and tries to fast-forward the relationship, I am wary. I would far rather be with someone who was slightly clumsy and forgetful than someone who is super slick.

If they lack friends, that can be a red flag.

Again, this doesn’t happen in every situation, but it can be a sign of trouble to come. My ex-partner had very few friends. He didn’t seem to understand the value of connection and keeping in touch with people unless he needed something from them.

Underneath all of the bravado was someone who was quite insecure and had high standards for himself. I’m not sure that he actually even really liked himself. He would act extremely confident around others and was able to charm others especially when he wanted something from them. Toxic people often boast about their achievements and seem to think they are more entitled to things than others.

What I Have Learned from My Past Relationships

All of my failures in relationships have taught me that the old cliché of loving yourself first is actually true. Instead of planning my life around somebody else’s, I made choices about where I wanted to be and what was important to me going forward.

I have built a strong foundation from which to explore the world. My strong foundation is built on self-awareness of my strengths and weaknesses. I understand why I sought out toxic individuals and have worked on my self-belief and self-esteem. The inner bully (the negative voice inside) is still there trying to tell me what I can’t do and why I need to be fearful on my own but I’m learning to tune it out.

I have made more time for people and experiences that uplift and inspire me as well as focusing on inspirational podcasts and videos. What you focus on becomes your reality, and it ultimately affects your quality of life. I’ve become less accommodating to people who make me feel bad about myself.

Feeling bad about myself is familiar, and I am convinced that previous childhood trauma altered my way of thinking and behaving, and over time it became a habit. The good news is that habits can be changed. We can’t change the past, but we can certainly update our beliefs about what happened and how we wish to see ourselves now.

When you like and value yourself you will be far less likely to take abuse from others. You will also be more inclined to have healthy boundaries and ensure that there are consequences for those that violate them.

(Video) Jordan Peterson - BREAK UP with YOUR PARTNER when they DO THIS

Know what you will and won’t accept from others and let others know when they have overstepped the mark. If they are decent, they will be upset that they have hurt you and will make an effort to consider your needs. If, however, they dismiss your needs and feelings, that should tell you all you need to know.

How to Spot Abusive People and Stop Getting into Toxic Relationships - Tiny Buddha (2)

About Mandy Kloppers

Mandy is a cognitive-behavioral therapist who offers counselling to clients worldwide via Zoom. She believes in spreading kindness: “Being a therapist doesn’t mean that life is perfect—we are all in ‘this soup’ together” as the Psychologist Carl Jung famously once said. She also writes a daily mental health blog featuring advice and information on anxiety, depression, mental health, personal development, and relationships. If you would like counseling, contact her via her website: www.thoughtsonlifeandlove.com

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FAQs

How do you spot an abuser? ›

Warning Signs of an Abusive Person
  1. Controlling Behavior. Constantly questions who you spend your time with, what you did/wore/said, where you went. ...
  2. Quick Involvement. ...
  3. Unrealistic Expectations. ...
  4. Isolation. ...
  5. Blames Others for Problems. ...
  6. Blames Others for Feelings. ...
  7. Hypersensitivity. ...
  8. Disrespectful or Cruel to Others.

What are 5 signs of a toxic relationship? ›

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
  • Lack of support. “Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life,” Caraballo says. ...
  • Toxic communication. ...
  • Envy or jealousy. ...
  • Controlling behaviors. ...
  • Resentment. ...
  • Dishonesty. ...
  • Patterns of disrespect. ...
  • Negative financial behaviors.

What are four signs of emotional abuse? ›

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse
  • They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You. ...
  • They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. ...
  • They are Possessive and/or Controlling. ...
  • They are Manipulative. ...
  • They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings.
23 May 2017

Do people who are emotionally abusive know they are? ›

Oftentimes, people in emotionally abusive relationships don't understand that they are being abused because there's no violence involved. Many will dismiss or downplay emotional abuse because they don't think it's as bad as physical abuse, but this is a mistake.

What are 3 characteristics of abusers? ›

Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:
  • Extreme jealousy.
  • Possessiveness.
  • Unpredictability.
  • A bad temper.
  • Cruelty to animals.
  • Verbal abuse.
  • Extremely controlling behavior.
  • Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships.

What are the 12 signs of abuse? ›

12 Signs You're In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
  • You tiptoe around your partner. ...
  • You say “I'm sorry” excessively. ...
  • You're reluctant to call out your partner. ...
  • You're frequently told you “over-react”. ...
  • Your partner brushes off their own poor behaviour. ...
  • Your partner uses put-downs or ignores you.
19 Feb 2020

What zodiac signs are toxic relationships? ›

  • 6 Zodiac Signs That Make The Most Toxic Couples. Some couples are a match made in heaven. ...
  • Aries and Taurus. Aries and Taurus are two star signs who are both very argumentative and stubborn by nature. ...
  • Taurus and Sagittarius. ...
  • Gemini and Virgo. ...
  • Cancer and Aquarius. ...
  • Leo and Scorpio. ...
  • Pisces and Libra.
18 Aug 2021

What are 3 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship? ›

Recognizing the signs of unhealthy relationships
  • Control. One person makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. ...
  • Dependence. ...
  • Digital monitoring or “clocking”. ...
  • Dishonesty. ...
  • Disrespect. ...
  • Hostility. ...
  • Harassment. ...
  • Intimidation.

What are 2 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship? ›

In an unhealthy relationship, you might feel like you always have to walk on eggshells around the other person. Or you might feel like you always have to hide what you really think or feel.
...
Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by:
  • Betrayal.
  • Blame.
  • Bullying.
  • Control.
  • Disrespect.
  • Dishonesty.
  • Drama.
  • Emotional abuse.
28 May 2022

What is the most common emotional abuse? ›

Emotional abuse happens when a child is repeatedly made to feel worthless, unloved, alone or scared. Also known as psychological or verbal abuse, it is the most common form of child abuse. It can include constant rejection, hostility, teasing, bullying, yelling, criticism and exposure to family violence.

What are the 5 cycles of emotional abuse? ›

The Legacy of Emotional Abuse

The five cycles codified—enmeshment, extreme overprotection and overindulgence, complete neglect, rage, and rejection/abandon- ment—were first published in Annals, the journal of the American Psychotherapy Association, in the Fall of 2002.

What are signs of narcissistic abuse? ›

With that in mind, here are 12 signs that might suggest you've experienced narcissistic abuse.
  • They seem so perfect — at first. ...
  • People doubt the abuse took place. ...
  • They've started a smear campaign. ...
  • You feel isolated. ...
  • You freeze up. ...
  • You have trouble making decisions. ...
  • You always feel like you've done something wrong.

What happens to the brain after emotional abuse? ›

Emotional abuse is linked to thinning of certain areas of the brain that help you manage emotions and be self-aware — especially the prefrontal cortex and temporal lobe. Epigenetic changes and depression. Research from 2018 has connected childhood abuse to epigenetic brain changes that may cause depression.

How do victims of emotional abuse behave? ›

Emotional and psychological abuse can have severe short- and long-term effects. This type of abuse can affect both your physical and your mental health. You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more.

What are at least 3 examples of mental abuse? ›

Mental abuse can be described as acts that can cause someone to feel insulted or demeaned or wear down someone's self-esteem. Examples include making unreasonable demands, being overly critical, wanting a partner to sacrifice needs for others, and causing them to doubt their perception (gaslighting).

What is the profile of a typical abuser? ›

Abuser is overly sensitive. Abuser has anger management issues. Abuser is afraid of intimacy. Abuser has low self esteem.

Who are the most common abusers? ›

1 The adult may be a relative, caregiver, step-parent, religious figure, coach, or babysitter, though the majority of perpetrators are parents of the child. In the United States, children experience child abuse or neglect at a rate of 8.9 per 1,000 children.

What kind of person is an abuser? ›

The abuser is possessive and may try to isolate their partner from friends and family. The abuser is hypersensitive and may react with rage. A gun in the house increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent. Two-thirds of domestic violence perpetrators have been drinking alcohol.

What are the 3 most common forms of abuse? ›

Types and Signs of Abuse
  • Physical abuse is intentional bodily injury. ...
  • Sexual abuse is nonconsensual sexual contact (any unwanted sexual contact). ...
  • Mental mistreatment or emotional abuse is deliberately causing mental or emotional pain.

What are the 5 most common types abuse? ›

Types of domestic violence or abuse
  • psychological.
  • physical.
  • sexual.
  • financial.
  • emotional.

What are the 7 areas of abuse? ›

The 7 most common types of elderly abuse include physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, self-neglect, and abandonment.

What zodiac signs Cannot be together? ›

  • Aries folks probably shouldn't get involved with a Pisces or a Cancer. ...
  • Tauruses and Leos might have a hard time. ...
  • Scorpio is probably one of the worst matches for Gemini. ...
  • Aquarius is a super tough match for Cancers. ...
  • Leos would struggle in a relationship with Capricorns. ...
  • Do not pair a Virgo with a Sagittarius.
26 Aug 2022

What signs can't be friends? ›

8 Telltale Signs Someone Doesn't Want to Be Your Friend
  • #1 You Put in Most of the Effort.
  • #2 They Actively Avoid Connecting Deeply with You.
  • #3 They don't ask about you.
  • #4 They Stop Reaching Out or Making Plans.
  • #5 They Regularly Cancel Plans.
  • #6 They Make Excuses.
  • #7 They're Always Busy.

How do you know if you're being a doormat? ›

Signs youre being too passive
  1. People take advantage of your kindness.
  2. Youre not appreciated.
  3. You feel burnt out on giving and not receiving.
  4. You dont take care of yourself because youre too busy taking care of everyone else.
  5. You say yes when you dont want to.
  6. You apologize for things you didnt do or didnt cause.
31 Mar 2017

What are 7 signs of an unhealthy relationship? ›

Here are some signs you might be in a toxic relationship:
  • Everything is about them. ...
  • They are jealous or controlling. ...
  • You feel exhausted or drained after spending time with them. ...
  • They don't respect your boundaries. ...
  • They isolate you from friends and family. ...
  • They are manipulative, expecting you to always do what they want.
10 Oct 2019

How do you know someone is not good for you? ›

You feel like you're being manipulated into something you don't want to do. You're constantly confused by the person's behavior. You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes. You always have to defend yourself to this person.

What is used as a weapon in unhealthy love? ›

"In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons," Hood said. "Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing."

What are at least 5 warning signs you have an unhealthy relationship? ›

5 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
  • Physical Harm: Physical assault and harm by your relationship partner is never okay. ...
  • Threats of Harm: Many abusive partners will threaten harm to you or themselves if you attempt to leave the relationship. ...
  • Forces You to Perform Sexual Acts: ...
  • Controlling Behavior: ...
  • Isolation:
5 Oct 2021

What are 6 signs of a unhealthy relationship? ›

Use these six signs of a toxic relationship to help you decide how to proceed.
  • You Argue Constantly, But Never Solve Your Problems. ...
  • You Get Blamed for Everything. ...
  • You're Becoming Isolated from Other People in Your Life. ...
  • Your Needs Aren't a Priority. ...
  • You Don't Feel Proud of Your Accomplishments.
25 Apr 2019

What is the most difficult form of abuse? ›

Verbal Abuse

It is one of the most difficult forms of abuse to prove because it does not leave physical scars or other evidence, but it is nonetheless hurtful. Verbal abuse may occur in schools or workplaces as well as in families.

What mental illnesses are caused by emotional abuse? ›

Experiencing abuse or other trauma puts people at risk of developing mental health conditions, such as:
  • Anxiety disorders.
  • Depression.
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • Misusing alcohol or drugs.
  • Borderline personality disorder.
16 Feb 2021

Who are more likely to be abusers? ›

One study of 96 cases of domestic abuse recorded by the police found that men are significantly more likely to be repeat perpetrators and significantly more likely than women to use physical violence, threats, and harassment.

What are the four characteristics of abusers? ›

Characteristics of Abusers
  • Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
  • Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.

What does abuse do to a woman? ›

Physical abuse can cause many chronic (long-lasting) health problems, including heart problems, high blood pressure, and digestive problems. Women who are abused are also more likely to develop depression, anxiety, or eating disorders. Women who are abused may also misuse alcohol or drugs as a way to cope.

What is the final stage in the cycle of abuse? ›

Reconciliation. After the abuse has occurred, you and your partner will enter the reconciliation phase. Usually, you enter a honeymoon period, brought on by your abuser giving you loving gestures, gifts, and kindness to move past the abuse.

What are the red flags of a narcissist? ›

Here are some narcissism red flags to look out for: Lacking empathy. They seem unable or unwilling to have empathy for others, and they appear to have no desire for emotional intimacy. Unrealistic sense of entitlement.

How does a narcissist damage you? ›

Manipulative Behavior

Narcissists are the masters of emotional manipulation. They will try to control your thoughts and desires. Making future promises and emotional blackmail are two forms of manipulation but gaslighting is most common. Manipulation causes confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and guilt.

How do victims of narcissists behave? ›

Often, victims of narcissistic abuse spend time thinking about and hearing their abuser's voice in their heads, reminding them of all the insults. This lowers their self-esteem and sometimes results in self-sabotage. If you don't get help soon, the abuser would even lead you to commit suicide.

What is the most common trauma? ›

Perhaps one of the most common forms of trauma is emotional abuse. This can be a common form of trauma because emotional abuse can take many different forms. Sometimes it's easy for emotional abuse to be hidden or unrecognized.

What are the symptoms of childhood trauma in adults? ›

Symptoms of Childhood Trauma in Adults
  • Anger.
  • Unresponsiveness.
  • Anxiety.
  • Emotional outbursts.
  • Depression.
  • Panic Attacks.
20 Nov 2018

What are the six long term effects of abuse? ›

Long Term Effects of Child Abuse
▪ bruises, cuts, bleeding▪ impaired brain development
▪ broken bones▪ chronic health conditions
▪ head trauma▪ death

What is the root cause of emotional abuse? ›

The emotional dependence an abused woman feels is a result of many factors which she may be only dimly aware of. The dependence can develop as a result of never living alone as an adult; death or illness of a parent; an unpleasant divorce or the experience of having been abused as a child.

How can you tell someone has been emotionally abused? ›

Neglect and isolation. An emotionally abusive person may neglect your needs by withholding attention from you such as giving the silent treatment and shutting down any form of communication. They might not support you or call you needy or emotional when you ask for support.

Can emotional abuse cause permanent damage? ›

Childhood emotional abuse and neglect can result in permanent changes to the developing human brain. These changes in brain structure appear to be significant enough to potentially cause psychological and emotional problems in adulthood, such as psychological disorders and substance misuse.

What are the 5 indicators of abuse? ›

Common signs
  • unexplained changes in behaviour or personality.
  • becoming withdrawn.
  • seeming anxious.
  • becoming uncharacteristically aggressive.
  • lacks social skills and has few friends, if any.
  • poor bond or relationship with a parent.
  • knowledge of adult issues inappropriate for their age.
  • running away or going missing.

What are the 4 types of psychological abuse? ›

Contents
  • 2.1 Intimate relationships.
  • 2.2 Child emotional abuse.
  • 2.3 Elder emotional abuse.
  • 2.4 Workplace.

What is an example of spiritual abuse? ›

It can involve someone forcing you or your children to participate in spiritual or religious practices when you don't want to. It can also involve someone refusing to allow you to participate in spiritual or religious practices that are important to you.

What are the four 4 categories of abusive? ›

There are four main categories of child abuse: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect. Find out more about each below, as well as the warning signs that a child may be being abused.

What are the five cycles of emotional abuse? ›

The Legacy of Emotional Abuse

The five cycles codified—enmeshment, extreme overprotection and overindulgence, complete neglect, rage, and rejection/abandon- ment—were first published in Annals, the journal of the American Psychotherapy Association, in the Fall of 2002.

What causes a person to be abusive? ›

Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner's lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.

What are the 8 abuses? ›

Cookies
  • Key messages.
  • Physical abuse.
  • Domestic violence.
  • Sexual abuse.
  • Psychological or emotional abuse.
  • Financial or material abuse.
  • Modern slavery.
  • Discriminatory abuse.

Where are fixated abusers most often found? ›

I've identified two predominant types of predators in schools. The first is the fixated abuser who is most often found in elementary schools and the early middle school grades.

Which type of abuse is hardest to detect? ›

Emotional abuse often coexists with other forms of abuse, and it is the most difficult to identify. Many of its potential consequences, such as learning and speech problems and delays in physical development, can also occur in children who are not being emotionally abused.

What is the most traumatic form of abuse? ›

Abusive head trauma (AHT), also known as the shaken baby syndrome, is a form of child physical abuse with the highest mortality rate (greater than 20%).

What is the most common form of abuse in adults? ›

Some of the most common forms of abuse in adults include:

Emotional Abuse and Psychological Abuse. Neglect. Self-neglect. Financial or Material Abuse.

What is a controlling behavior by an abuser? ›

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors that enables someone to exert power over another person through fear and control. Coercive control can happen in any type of intimate relationship and includes behaviors such as insulting the other person, making threats, exerting financial control, and using sexual coercion.

How do you face an abuser? ›

Ensure you remain in control. You may want the abuser just to listen and not say anything until you expressly give permission for them to speak. Be prepared for him to defend himself and/or minimize the abuse, i.e. “I didn't hit you that hard.” etc. When this happens calmly reply by explaining the abuse in more detail.

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