Not All Narcissists Are Arrogant: 8 Signs Of A Vulnerable Narcissist (2023)

Personal Growth 8 Signs You're Dealing With A Vulnerable Narcissist

|

Expert Reviewed 8 Signs You're Dealing With A Vulnerable Narcissist

Written by Nafeesah Allen, Ph.D. Nafeesah Allen, Ph.D., MIA, is an American writer and independent researcher focused on migration, literature, gender identity, and diaspora studies within the global South. She has a Ph.D. in Forced Migration from the University of the Witwatersrand and a master's degree in International Affairs from Columbia University.
Expert review by Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP Board-certified Clinical Psychologist Kristina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified clinical psychologist with a background in neuroscience. She is also the Director of Clinical Training at Bay Path University, and an associate professor in Graduate Psychology.
Not All Narcissists Are Arrogant: 8 Signs Of A Vulnerable Narcissist (3)

Image by Liliya Rodnikova / Stocksy

Our editors have independently chosen the products listed on this page. If you purchase something mentioned in this article, we may earn a small commission.

October 7, 2022 — 10:01 AM

Narcissism is a term used to describe people who are self-involved to the degree that it makes them ignore the needs of those around them. Typical signs of a narcissist include selfishness, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and an excessive need for attention and admiration. There are also different types of narcissists, one of which is known as the vulnerable narcissist.

Ahead, psychology experts explain what this kind of narcissism looks like and how to deal with vulnerable narcissists in your life and relationships.

What is a vulnerable narcissist?

A vulnerable narcissist is a type of narcissist that tends to be highly self-conscious, insecure, and hypersensitive to rejection. They oscillate between feeling inferior and superior to others, and they become easily offended, anxious, or even hostile when they're not put on a pedestal.

"People with vulnerablenarcissismoften have a deep need for approval and validation from others and experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression," explains Harold Hong M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist at New Waters Recovery in North Carolina.

Vulnerable narcissism is also known as closet or covert narcissism because their narcissistic tendencies are not always as obvious or overt. As Hong points out, vulnerable narcissists often deal with high levels of negative emotion, and clinical psychologist and Harvard lecturer Craig Malkin, Ph.D., notes that their perceived level of suffering can even be the very thing they narcissistically exaggerate.

"Covert narcissists feel special because they believe their pain is more important than others'," Malkin previously told mbg. "They may feel like the most misunderstood genius, the person who's suffering the most, or even the ugliest person in the room."

Signs of vulnerable narcissism.

Although only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose a mental health condition, there are some common causes and signs of a vulnerable narcissist you can look out for:

1. Introversion masking insecurities

sleep support+ sleep support+ Set yourself up for success with a good night's sleep.* ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ (394)

Vulnerable narcissism is highly associated with introversion. These narcissists show a quiet sense of superiority and appear more reserved. However, that's often because they are secretly terrified of showing their flaws and failures. Exposing their true feelings would destroy the illusion of superiority. Thus, they avoid social interactions to lower the chance of their more vulnerable façade being exposed. Vulnerable narcissists may also avoid social situations or relationships that do not clearly benefit them.

Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

2. Highly sensitive to criticism

Vulnerable narcissists tend to be highly sensitive to criticism and may be more likely to internalize it due to their fragile sense of self. Their remarks might be dismissive or sarcastic, but they are crushed by criticism. They are easily humiliated or angered by feedback. Also, they constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, relying on others to feed their need for self-importance.

3. Defensiveness and anger

Vulnerable narcissists have been said to show "narcissistic rage"—including behaviors of anger and hostility. They also may hold grudges for long periods, leading to bitterness, resentment, and a desire for revenge. In the workplace, vulnerable narcissists can hold grudges against people who earn praise or recognition they think they're entitled to, such as a co-worker who receives a well-deserved promotion. When they believe someone has mistreated them, they might be furious but say nothing in the moment, waiting for an ideal opportunity to strike back. This revenge might be subtle or passive aggressive.

(Video) Narcissism? Borderline Personality Disorder? This May Imitate Both...

Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

4. Passive aggressiveness

Vulnerable narcissists may be more passive-aggressive in their interactions, communicating through guilt trips, backhanded compliments, or thinly veiled jokes. They may prefer avoidance rather than direct communication.

5. Controlling behavior in relationships

"Vulnerablenarcissistsoften seek out relationships in which they can be the center of attention and where they feel they can control their partner," says Hong. "To keep their partner from leaving them, they may be possessive and jealous and may go to great lengths to control their partner's behavior."

Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

6. Blaming and shaming

Narcissists tend to project the blame on other people. They also use shaming to secure their elevated position against others. While overt narcissists are outspoken, vulnerable narcissists may have a seemingly gentler approach to explaining why something is your fault. They may pretend to be a victim or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance.

7. Low self-esteem

Often, vulnerable narcissists have incredibly low confidence and are racked by insecurities, and their narcissistic behaviors are often used to mask or cope with feelings of anxiety, depression, or shame. They are known for going into "victim mode," often surrounded by negativity, their own criticism, harsh words, and shame.

(Video) Behaviors of Vulnerable Narcissists

Advertisement

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

8. Self-serving "empathy"

Contrary to popular belief, narcissists can show some empathy. However, they may do it to build their own self-esteem and self-importance. Vulnerable narcissists might seem willing to help others or be compassionate, but they generally do this to win approval from others. A telltale sign is that they may become resentful if they don't receive praise or admiration for their deeds. They may also make remarks about how people take advantage of their generosity.

What causes vulnerable narcissism?

"There is no single cause of vulnerablenarcissism, but it is thought to develop due to early childhood trauma, a dysfunctional family environment, or faulty parenting styles. In some cases, it may be the result of sexual abuse," says Hong.

One study found that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are more likely to have grown up with parents who were highly focused on status and achievements. Because they were often made to feel superior to other children, that belief later persists in adulthood. Other studies have found vulnerable narcissists, in particular, have more adverse childhood experiences, including emotional abuse and neglect.

The exact cause of vulnerable narcissism may not be entirely understood, but childhood trauma and ingrained low self-esteem are common threads. As adults, these individuals normalize pretending. Vulnerable narcissists wear a mask and do not show their true selves because they fear criticism of being flawed and unworthy of love.

Vulnerable narcissist vs. grandiose narcissist.

Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are the two main subtypes of narcissism. While both share the same core narcissistic personality traits, they present those traits differently.

Grandiose narcissism is easier to identify because these narcissists tend to be loud, arrogant, and overtly insensitive to other people's needs. This kind of overt narcissism manifests in extroverted behaviors that affect others.

On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are more challenging to identify. They tend to be introverted, and their symptoms can often lead others to believe they have other mental health concerns, like bipolar disorder or severe anxiety.

How to deal with a vulnerable narcissist:

1. Recognize the signs.

Although vulnerable narcissists can be harder to identify, they share the same qualities as any other narcissist, including an exaggerated sense of self and thinking very highly of themselves, according to Janika Veasley, LMFT, therapist and owner of Amavi Therapy Center in Pennsylvania. "If you feel like you're constantly trying to get a partner to be considerate of your feelings, and they have an excessive need for validation and admiration, then you may be dealing with a narcissist," she says.

(Video) 10 Signs of Vulnerable Narcissistic Abuse | The "Dark Cloud" Theory of Covert Narcissism

2. Don't take anything personally.

When dealing with a narcissist, whether vulnerable or grandiose, you must realize that their manipulative behavior is not about you. Their sense of entitlement, manipulation, and deceptive behaviors can feel very personal when on the receiving end. However, no matter how painful, it's important to remember that their actions have little to nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own self-esteem issues.

3. Set firm boundaries.

Vulnerable narcissists will take an inch and never give back. Hong advises that you communicate that you will "walk away if they treat you in a way that's unhealthy or uncomfortable."

4. Allow them to sit in the discomfort.

Avoid trying to soothe hurt egos or feelings, especially if it's at the expense of your own emotions. It won't help them with their struggle with accountability.

5. Don't fall for their charade.

If they feel they are going to lose you, vulnerable narcissists will try to win you back. Know that they are likely to fall right back into the same old habits. As well, don't beat yourself up if you've gone through cycles of closeness and fallout in these kinds of relationships.

(Here's our full guide on what to do if you're dating a narcissist.)

6. Emotionally disengage.

Veasley says that a key step is to under-respond and emotionally disengage from the narcissist. "I often suggest this method because, with an actual narcissist, they feed off your attention and drama. This is often referred to as narcissistic supply. The more drama and chaos they create for you to respond to or feed into, the more attention they get, which fuels their grandiose view of themselves."

To employ this tactic—sometimes referred to as the grey rock method—she says to minimize your responses. Make them brief and emotionally flat. When a narcissist picks a fight, instead of trying to criticize or correct them, "simply respond with 'OK' or 'mhmm.'"

7. Get help.

"As a result of the relationship with a narcissist, people begin to question their own sanity, self-worth, and relationships with family and friends," says Veasley. "Theyare frequently reminded by their narcissistic partner about their flaws, failures, and shortcomings—which many times are pointed out and contrived by their narcissistic partner."

Talking to a psychologist or therapist will help you clearly understand the situation and set the appropriate boundaries.

The takeaway.

A vulnerablenarcissistmay try to cover up their vulnerability with bluster and bravado, but Hong reminds us that "underneath, they're extremely sensitive. This combination of sensitivity and insecurity can make them very difficult to deal with, as they're constantly seeking reassurance and validation but are also quick to become defensive and react angrily when they feel threatened."

(Video) Avoidant PD vs vulnerable narcissism

In this way, vulnerable narcissists still exhibit behaviors that can harm others. Even when they don't intend to, these personalities are likely to manipulate the ones they love. So, if you have a closet narcissist in your life, protect yourself by setting boundaries and taking breaks from the relationship whenever lines—inevitably—get crossed.

FAQs

What is a vulnerable narcissist like? ›

“Vulnerable narcissism is broadly defined in terms of hyper-sensitivity to rejection, negative emotion, social isolation, a distrust of others, and increased levels of anger and hostility,” says co-author of the study Ana Blasco-Belled of the University of Girona in Spain.

Are all narcissists arrogant? ›

Not All Narcissists Are Arrogant, Some Are Vulnerable Too, Research Shows.

What are the 5 signs of a stealth narcissist? ›

Signs of covert narcissism
  • Secret sense of superiority. Researchers say that while people with covert narcissism appear to be modest, they believe that they are superior to other people. ...
  • Avoids social situations. ...
  • Hypersensitive to criticism. ...
  • Difficulty with relationships and work.
  • Depression and anxiety.
3 Jun 2020

How do you outsmart a vulnerable narcissist? ›

How to Outsmart a Narcissist
  1. Separate yourself to cut off their narcissistic supply.
  2. Take time to heal.
  3. Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.
  4. React with empathy and respect.
  5. Act unresponsive around them.
  6. Disengage from their conversations.
  7. Set and enforce clear boundaries.

Are vulnerable narcissists happy? ›

Narcissists exhibit a sense of confidence that cancels out all negative feelings of stress. Narcissists tend to have grand delusions about their worth and authority. They also don't feel any shame or guilt. Despite these traits, psychologists say that they are happier than most people.

Do vulnerable narcissists have empathy? ›

Dealing with the vulnerable narcissist involves something the narcissist lacks – empathy. The vulnerable narcissist has emotional wounds that led them to become defensive. They express feelings of grandiosity.

What is the root cause of arrogance? ›

What causes arrogance in people? A lot of times it boils down to insecurity. The arrogant person can't deal with the fact that they are insecure/feel bad about themselves, so they build themselves up to hide their real feelings.

Do narcissists have friends? ›

Narcissists value fame, beauty, and success more than relationships. Sure, they date and have friends and often these relationships start out exciting — but fizzle quickly. “People who are narcissistic should have a trail of bad relationships behind them,” Campbell said.

What do all narcissists have in common? ›

Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration. Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it. Exaggerate achievements and talents. Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.

What are the red flags of a narcissist? ›

Self-importance

Engaging in a whirlwind romance. Lacking compassion or a severe lack of empathy for others. Love bombing. An inability to maintain connections, such as with friends, colleagues and family members.

How do you manipulate a vulnerable narcissist? ›

In order to manipulate a narcissist, you must strategically use admiration to become a sufficient source of narcissistic supply and reassure their vulnerabilities and insecurities so they value your support more than the gratification they get from abusing you.

How do you overpower a narcissist? ›

How to Beat a Narcissist
  1. 1 Go limited or no-contact if you can.
  2. 2 Stay calm when they're trying to upset you.
  3. 3 Use “we” language to get them on your side.
  4. 4 Give praise and compliments to neutralize them.
  5. 5 Say something nice before you give criticism.
  6. 6 Let them feel accomplished to minimize drama.

How do you beat a narcissist at its own game? ›

Don't React to Their Abusive Tactics

Your reaction is exactly what they want. So, don't accept the narcissist's gaslighting phrases as your truth. They will try everything to demean and discredit you. Practice positive affirmations to undue blame and maintain healthy self-esteem.

Do vulnerable narcissists know they are narcissists? ›

So, does someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder recognize their narcissistic traits? In short — yes, most likely because they have enough insight and, more importantly, self-interest to notice what others might be saying about them.

How do you manipulate a vulnerable narcissist? ›

In order to manipulate a narcissist, you must strategically use admiration to become a sufficient source of narcissistic supply and reassure their vulnerabilities and insecurities so they value your support more than the gratification they get from abusing you.

What happens when you break up with a vulnerable narcissist? ›

A narcissistic partner would feel rejected when you break up with them. This can trigger them to seek more attention. They may demand attention from you even after the relationship has ended. They can go as far as promising to change themselves for you in an attempt to keep you in the relationship.

Can a vulnerable narcissist ever change? ›

It's important to remember that a narcissist can change if they are genuinely dedicated and open to growth. Some individuals may have more insight into their behaviors and have a greater desire to change.

Videos

1. 8 Signs of the Most Destructive Narcissistic Profile
(Dr. Todd Grande)
2. Vulnerable Narcissists: Signs of a Covert Narcissist That Plays Victim
(Lise Colucci, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support)
3. Thoughts of a Vulnerable Narcissist | 10 Covert Narcissistic Behaviors & Corresponding Thoughts
(Dr. Todd Grande)
4. ENVY (Narcissistic Personality Diagnosis)
(Poisonous People)
5. When a grandiose narcissist dates a vulnerable narcissist
(DoctorRamani)
6. Grandiose & Vulnerable Narcissism: Which is worse? Is Recovery Possible?
(Dr. Todd Grande)
Top Articles
Latest Posts
Article information

Author: Annamae Dooley

Last Updated: 03/15/2023

Views: 6279

Rating: 4.4 / 5 (65 voted)

Reviews: 88% of readers found this page helpful

Author information

Name: Annamae Dooley

Birthday: 2001-07-26

Address: 9687 Tambra Meadow, Bradleyhaven, TN 53219

Phone: +9316045904039

Job: Future Coordinator

Hobby: Archery, Couponing, Poi, Kite flying, Knitting, Rappelling, Baseball

Introduction: My name is Annamae Dooley, I am a witty, quaint, lovely, clever, rich, sparkling, powerful person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.