Should I Write A Letter To My Ex? (6 Ways To Do It Right) (2022)

Should I Write A Letter To My Ex? (6 Ways To Do It Right) (1)

Last updated on June 17, 2022 by Michele Kelsey.

Are you thinking about writing a letter to your ex?

A lot of women dither over this idea, either as a means of getting him back, apologising or just to let him know that they’ve learned from the relationship and have changed their ways.

The question is: is it a good idea to write this letter?

This guide will cover everything you need to know about writing a letter to your ex, including when you should write one, what to include and if you should send it to him!!

Yes, sometimes, it’s best to write the letter but not send it. This allows you to let your feelings out without re-opening the door for a past lover.

If you’re trying to find out what’s going on with your ex-partner, a letter isn’t a good medium for finding that out at all. In fact, you’re unlikely to get an honest answer by asking him through any medium!

To find out how your ex is getting on, I actually recommend using this powerful online communications tracker tool.

This tool can discreetly monitor his personal devices, as long as you have a few of his basic details to hand to get it started.

After a short time, it will have gathered a wealth of information about who he’s communicating with, what mediums he’s using to do so and what online services he’s subscribed to.

It’s quick, it’s easy and he’ll never find out he’s being tracked. That’s why I recommend it to so many of my friends. Click here to learn more and get started.

So, when should you write a letter, and how will that help? Find out by reading on.


  • 1 6 Guidelines For Writing A Letter To Your Ex
    • 1.1 1. Wait For The Right Time.
    • 1.2 2. Have The Right Purpose.
    • 1.3 3. Do Not Create A Love Letter.
    • 1.4 4. Talk About How You’ve Changed.
    • 1.5 5. Create The Best Kind Of Letter For You.
    • 1.6 7. Take Caution Before Sending Anything.
  • 2 When To Write A Letter To Your Ex
  • 3 The Benefits Of Writing A Letter
  • 4 How To Write The Letter To Your Ex
    • 4.1 Greeting/Opening
    • 4.2 Purpose: “I see why we broke up now.”
    • 4.3 Announce You Have Changed
    • 4.4 Thank Your Ex
    • 4.5 How You Have Changed
    • 4.6 Closing
  • 5 FAQs
  • 6 To Sum Things Up...

6 Guidelines For Writing A Letter To Your Ex

1. Wait For The Right Time.

If you and your ex just broke up, now is not the time to reach out to your ex; your feelings are fresh and probably running hot. You need time to heal, time to lick your wounds, and time to grow as a person.

That’s right. You need self-improvement; everyone does! But, did you learn anything from the break-up? Did you listen to your ex when he said why he wanted to end things? It’s time to understand what caused the break-up and make personal changes as necessary.

Use this time to reflect on what went wrong during the relationship. Why do you think you broke up? Usually, in a relationship, both parties have made mistakes. It may take time to come to grips with what you may have done wrong, or perhaps you think you did nothing wrong. If so, why do you want to write a letter to your ex?

2. Have The Right Purpose.

So, WHY do you want to send a letter to your ex? Are you just wanting to vent your feelings and talk about how mad you are? You may find that therapeutic, but don’t send the letter, especially if you are thinking about getting back together with your ex.

The purpose of the letter is to show your ex that you listened to what he said. So ask yourself: What did he complain about during the relationship? Why did he end things? Learn what caused the break-up; think hard.

Your purpose should be to write a thank you letter - i.e., “Thank you for helping me grow as an individual.” Demonstrate how you understand your part in the break-up now and how you could have done things differently, but that you have now changed.

3. Do Not Create A Love Letter.

Don’t write a mushy love letter confessing your undeniable love for your ex. You may think he’s the one who got away. Missing your ex can sting, I know, but you’ll sound desperate if you give him a love letter talking about your feelings. Don’t talk about getting back together either.

Don’t talk about how much you miss your ex or how you now realize he is the one. If you need to, start writing the lovey-dovey stuff down in a journal, but don’t give it to your ex. Just keep it to look back on later to see how far you’ve progressed and to see how you were feeling back then versus how you feel on that day in the future.

Don’t ambush him with your feelings. You can easily sound too emotional when you unleash that kind of vulnerability. If your ex never responds back to your love letter, you will feel pretty lousy about the situation.

4. Talk About How You’ve Changed.

Discuss how you now understand why the two of you broke up. List the details of how you have become different, specifically, what you’ve changed about yourself. Understand your part in the break-up. What did you do wrong? What part did you play in the outcome of the break-up? Could you have done something differently?

Right now, you should analyze these answers and realize what went wrong. What have you done to change? Talk about your personal transformation. How did you change? What were the means of your change? Did you seek counseling, read self-help books, or follow professional advice you found online?

Talk about how you changed, what you did, and how you are different. This is your chance to show him that you aren’t the same person anymore. But, tell that his former complaints about you are less relevant now because you are a new person (provided you have indeed changed).

5. Create The Best Kind Of Letter For You.

It’s best not to talk about how you want to get back together. Let him make that decision. If your letter has shown him that you’ve changed, he may decide that there is no reason you two should be apart any longer. But, keep in mind that he may have already moved on.

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Watch this free video that explains how you can become his priority!

(Video) How To Write A Letter To Your Ex | Here's What You Need To Say!

If he isn’t wanting to get back together, just find the closure of knowing that you let your feelings out. You may feel like there was no purpose in writing the letter, but there was. You received closure and can now move on and find someone new - find a person who can now enjoy the changes you’ve made.

Self-improvement works! Were you controlling with your ex? During the next relationship, if you have worked on yourself and changes, you can be less controlling, and the new guy you found can reap the benefits!

7. Take Caution Before Sending Anything.

So, you’ve written the letter. Now the real question, “Should I press “send”?” I recommend holding on to it. You let your feelings out, you said what you needed to say, and you’ve gotten some closure just by writing the letter. That’s really all you need.

If you do want to send it, remember the key points to include:

  • You realize what went wrong with the relationship,
  • You’ve realized the part you played in what went wrong
  • Here’s how you’ve changed, and
  • Thank him for helping you grow as a person!

There’s really no need to send it unless you really want to patch things up. If you really want to restore the relationship, take caution with what you say in the letter. Writing a letter can be quite therapeutic, but sending it can bring problems. What if he doesn’t contact you back? How will you feel? What’s your purpose in writing the letter?

When To Write A Letter To Your Ex

Should I Write A Letter To My Ex? (6 Ways To Do It Right) (2)

You shouldn’t write a letter until after the No Contact period. Having no contact for a specific period can provide you with an excellent means of healing. The no contact period should include absence from texting, social media, email, or face-to-face contact. This should be a “break” from each other - a period where you can regroup and recover.

The no contact period will also give your ex time to miss you before writing to him, and by not having contact via social media, for example, you can keep the mystery of you alive. He doesn’t know what you’ve been up to because he can no longer see your Facebook feed. Keep him wondering what’s going on with you. Don’t tell him the details of your life.

During the no contact period, work on healing - work on yourself. Build a stronger relationship with yourself. You heard why he wanted to break-up. Is there something you can work on to become a better person? What could you have done differently? Work on that!

The Benefits Of Writing A Letter

A letter may seem like an ancient method of communication, but there are many benefits to writing an email or mailing an actual letter. First of all, you can take your time writing, editing, and rereading it to make sure it’s worded just right.

Second, you can “take it back” easier than tweeting, texting, or posting a message via social media; you can hold on to it without feeling the need to press “send” right away. If you are emailing it, you can save it as a draft and return to it later when you have a fresh perspective to make sure it says precisely what you want it to.

Finally, it gives your ex a chance to read it over and over again - a chance to digest it. Let him ponder what you said. He may not respond right away. Don’t worry, though. Remember, you are mostly writing this letter as a self-improvement tool, a way to find closure.

How To Write The Letter To Your Ex

Should I Write A Letter To My Ex? (6 Ways To Do It Right) (3)


“Hello John,” - Your greeting should be casual but friendly. Avoid using words like “Dear” or “Dearest.” Start with a casual opening. Something such as, “I hope you are doing well. I saw the lastest wrestling tournament on television last night, and I immediately thought of you.” Just a simple statement telling him something made you think of him.

Purpose: “I see why we broke up now.”

During this section, acknowledge what went wrong and be accountable for your part in the break-up.

(Video) My best reading FR 🎀 WHAT YOUR FUTURE SELF WANT'S YOU TO KNOW 🎀 pick an envelope

“I wanted you to know when we broke up, I was at a loss. I didn’t know what part I played in the break-up, but I realize now that I made some mistakes. I should have supported your career more. I never realized how important it was to you. I was so focused on our time together, I didn’t understand what you needed. Now, I do.”

Announce You Have Changed

Talk about how you’ve changed. “Lately, I’ve been career-oriented, and I now see why having a full-time job is so important. I’ve conquered the ‘controlling’ traits’ I previously had. I’m now much more easy-going - believe it or not!”

Thank Your Ex

Say, “You helped me start the journey in becoming the person I am today.” (in your own words).

Show you have moved past the things that went wrong. “I was so concerned with having everything going according to plan, I lost sight of the value of being spontaneous; I was always worried about things not going as planned. I wanted to thank you for telling me about this flaw I had. I now understand our break-up better.”

How You Have Changed

Include the details of how you changed. “I’ve been practicing the Budda’s principle of “letting go” and going with the unexpected. It’s like a sigh of relief! I had to work hard, but I’ve now completely let go of an attachment to plans. In fact, I go with the flow now.”


Add an easy-going closure. “Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for helping me change the things I needed to. Feel free to get in touch with me if you want to hang out sometime. If you’ve moved on or don’t want to, I completely understand. No worries! I just wanted to get all of that out.” End with something soft, “Regards, <First Name>.”


Should I Write A Closure Letter To My Ex?

Writing to your ex is a great idea, but take caution when sending it. I recommend not sending it; just hold onto it. Write what you need to in order to find closure and keep it. If you are seeking closure, you should find it just by writing one.

What Do You Write To An Ex You Still Love?

While you probably want to discuss how much you still love your ex, it’s better not to. Instead, talk about the break-up and how you have changed; you understand why the two of you broke up, and you know your part in it. Discuss your personal transformation to your ex.

How Do You Write A Good Break-up Letter?

(Video) 5 Tips on How To Write A Great Accountability Letter

If you want to break up with someone via a letter, start by talking about why you want to break up. Don’t accuse them of all the wrongdoing. Rather than blaming them, talk about your part in the break-up, and how you think it’s best that you part ways and why.

Does Closure Help You Move On?

Most certainly! The best way to move on is with closure. Realize what went wrong with your ex, admit why the break-up was necessary, and always own up to your part in the demise of the relationship. You will feel better once you let it all out.

Should I Give My Ex Closure?

Yes! Allow your ex the opportunity to hash out any baggage he may be carrying around. If you ended things, let your ex get their feelings out; if it was the other way around, consider finding closure by writing but not sending a letter to your ex.

To Sum Things Up...

Consider writing to your ex if you have the correct intention and message. What’s your opinion of this post? Did I leave off any critical details? Please share!

Have you ever written to an ex after a break-up? How did it turn out? Please share your thoughts in the comments section!

Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
This doesn't mean he doesn't like you. You have to understand how he is wired. Once you do, you'll find there is a subtle thing you can say that to him that will drastically change how he shows his emotions towards you.

Watch this quick video that explains how this one thing will get you to think about you first.

Should I Write A Letter To My Ex? (6 Ways To Do It Right) (4)

Michele Kelsey

(Video) Letter To My Ex | Why It Works and How To Know It's Working

After decades of experience dating, I finally found my prince. It was not an easy road. I kissed plenty of frogs to find Mr. Right and learned a lot from my mistakes. I enjoy writing and feel especially lucky that I get to share my expertise on my favorite subject – love. I’ve been happily married for almost a decade now, but I love giving relationship advice.

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Is writing your ex a letter a good idea? ›

In fact, it's not uncommon to find that the simple act of writing out your thoughts and feelings about what happened between the two of you and where things went wrong in your relationship can be powerful enough to help you move on.

Should I reach out to my ex to make amends? ›

Reaching out to apologize to an ex for your hurtful actions can be really meaningful to them, as long as it's about making them feel validated and not just about clearing your own conscience. Sometimes it can also be helpful to let your ex know the ways they've hurt you.

What do you write to an ex you still love? ›

Things to Say to Your Ex Boyfriend that You Still Love
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Should I write a letter to my ex for closure? ›

A letter of closure for an ex different simply in that it is not meant to be a tool for getting your ex back. Its goal is to clearly lay out your feelings about the relationship, the breakup, and the future. Simply put, it is meant to give you an emotional release that helps you to move on.

How do I make amends with my ex after hurting her? ›

How To Apologize To Someone You've Hurt & Actually Move Forward
  1. Take responsibility.
  2. Decide on the content and conditions.
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How do you know if the no contact rule is working? ›

17 surefire signs the no contact rule is working on your ex (and what to do next)
  1. 1) You become focused on your well-being. ...
  2. 2) You become independent. ...
  3. 3) A highly intuitive advisor confirms it. ...
  4. 4) You feel a renewed sense of self-confidence. ...
  5. 5) Your ex texts or calls you. ...
  6. 6) Your ex reaches out on social media.
27 Apr 2022

How long will it take for ex to miss you? ›

Today we're going to talk about exactly how long it usually takes for an ex to miss you after a breakup. In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”

How do you know if your ex is still in love with you? ›

14 Signs Your Ex Still Loves You and Wants You Back
  1. Following your online activities. ...
  2. Having nostalgic conversations. ...
  3. Reaching out from time to time. ...
  4. Staying a bit longer to talk each time you see each other. ...
  5. Showing signs of emptiness/loneliness. ...
  6. Trying to patch things up.
27 Jun 2022

How do you tell if you'll get back together? ›

  1. They're Trying To Get To Know You Again. ...
  2. They're The One Reaching Out. ...
  3. They're Sharing What's Going On In Their Life. ...
  4. They Ask About Your Dating Life. ...
  5. They Act Jealous. ...
  6. They Share Their Relationship Status. ...
  7. They Stay Connected On Social Media. ...
  8. They Keep Bringing Up Cute Memories.
10 Nov 2017

What is the best break up message? ›

Hi, hope you're good. I really enjoyed getting to know you but if I'm honest, I'm not feeling a real connection between us. It was lovely meeting you. I wanted to say that I really enjoy us chatting and I would love to see you again, but for me it would be as friends.

How do you make your ex regret leaving you? ›

Here are 11 tried-and-tested ways to make your ex regret losing you
  1. Limit contact with your ex, but stay in sight. ...
  2. Don't be the backup plan. ...
  3. Become a better version of yourself. ...
  4. Make them think you're over them. ...
  5. Keep calm and move on. ...
  6. Get successful. ...
  7. Expand your social circle. ...
  8. Evoke a little jealousy.
13 May 2022

Does my ex miss me even though we don't talk? ›

Yes, an ex misses you during No Contact. They miss you because they no longer have what they used to have. Your ex misses you even though you don't talk because they have time to adjust to your absence. This will help them reflect and miss you more.

How do I make my ex love me again? ›

Remind your ex of happy memories.

Talking about happy memories is a good way to rekindle an old flame. By reminding your ex of happy time that you shared, you will help them to see the good in your relationship and feel more open to reconciliation.

How do you know your ex won't come back? ›

Signs your Ex Is Never Coming Back
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  2. Your ex blocked you on everything and is avoiding you. ...
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  5. Your ex keeps making excuses when you invite them out.
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Is silence the best revenge after a breakup? ›

The best revenge is no reaction. Believe it, the silence and zero reaction really bothers your ex, and they consider it as the best served revenge. Nothing creates more curiosity than silence. Your ex would expect a vent or an angry rant from you, but don't give in.

How do you make him regret for taking you for granted? ›

How to make him regret taking you for granted
  1. Stop doing the things you always do for him. ...
  2. Call him out on his behavior. ...
  3. Set yourself some boundaries. ...
  4. Focus on yourself. ...
  5. Keep your dignity. ...
  6. Let him know that you're fine without him. ...
  7. Reignite your social life. ...
  8. Play a little hard to get and tell him why.

Is it worth apologizing to an ex? ›

Reaching out to apologize to an ex for your hurtful actions can be really meaningful to them, as long as it's about making them feel validated and not just about clearing your own conscience. Sometimes it can also be helpful to let your ex know the ways they've hurt you.

How do you apologize to someone you hurt deeply? ›

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  3. Be genuine.
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  6. Take responsibility.
  7. Use "I" statements.
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What is the difference between apologizing and making amends? ›

Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles.

What is a manipulative apology? ›

These manipulative apologies are a type of blame-shift apologies that blame the victim. Instead of taking responsibility for what they did, they make the entire thing your fault and demand an apology from you.

How do you talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you? ›

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What to do when someone suddenly stops talking to you? ›

Send a text or note asking whether the issue was why you haven't heard from your friend. Make an honest apology. Ask what you can do to make things right and move forward. Avoid calling your friend out on social media or in front of your other friends.

Do dumpers regret? ›

Generally speaking, some dumpers regret their decision to break up only weeks after the incident. Other dumpers need years to feel that way. And some never even arrive at the final stage of dumpers remorse. Instead, they move on to someone else — be it a rebound or not.

Why do dumpers come back? ›

They need a rebound

In some cases, an ex may come back because they're looking for a rebound relationship. This usually happens after they've just gotten out of a long-term relationship and they're not quite ready to be single again. So, they'll turn to you as a way to ease their way back into the dating world.

What emotions does the dumper go through? ›

The dumper and the dumpee, both go through pain, anxiety, fear of loss, jealousy, hate, and reconsideration through different stages. That's why during the No contact the dumper and the dumpee swap the feelings interchangeably.

How do I know if my ex has moved on? ›

Signs Your Ex Is Over You
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  2. Interactions Become Less Fun. ...
  3. Interactions Become Less Awkward. ...
  4. They Get Serious With Someone Else.
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How do you know your ex doesn't miss you? ›

15 painful signs he doesn't miss you
  1. You always start the conversation.
  2. He doesn't check how you are.
  3. He's busy all the time.
  4. He seems to be distracted when you're together.
  5. He doesn't give genuine excuses.
  6. Long-drawn-out responses to your phone calls or messages.
  7. He is unresponsive to your phone calls or messages.
4 Jul 2022

How does the dumper feel after a month? ›

The dumper, after a month, feels either elation or regret. It completely depends on how real the relationship was. If the relationship was real and both partners have put in the effort then there will be regret. On the other hand, no effort or abuse leads to a very happy dumper.

Can my ex fall back in love with me? ›

According to experts, it's totally possible to fall back in love with someone you used to date, and the reason why makes sense. "Once you love someone, unless your respect for them is destroyed, you can always love them again," Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, tells Elite Daily.

Will no contact work if he lost feelings? ›

If you wonder if he will move on during no contact, chances of this are high if he no longer loves you or if you are dealing with a case of unrequited feelings. A simple answer to the central question guiding this section of the article is “no.” No contact will not work if he has lost feelings for you.

How do you know if your ex regrets breaking up? ›

Here are some of the signs your ex regrets dumping you.
  • They begin to communicate with you.
  • They apologize for the breakup.
  • They show more affection.
  • They discuss issues in their present relationship.
  • They try to atone for past mistakes.
  • They show pessimism when you tell them someone else is involved.
  • They stalk you.
8 Jul 2022

How long do most breakups last? ›

Studies suggest that most people start to feel better around three months post-breakup. One study, which evaluated 155 undergraduates who'd been through breakups in the last six months, found that 71 percent start to feel significantly better around the 11-week mark, or around three months.

Is sending a letter to your ex harassment? ›

If your ex-lover is sending your continuous messages in the form of letters, texts, emails and via other various social media methods, they may be committing an offence constituting to harassment.

How do you say goodbye letter to someone you love? ›

We've been through a lot together, and I admire you for who you are and what you've accomplished. I still genuinely love you, but I'll have to learn to let go of those feelings over time. I hope we can part ways with each other with beautiful memories in our hearts.

Should I send my ex flowers? ›

Definitely send flowers if it has been more than a year. One year is a long time in the dating world. Odds are, you've spent lots of time together and have grown close. Flowers, along with a thoughtful card, will remind your ex you still care about her, but that the timing just wasn't right.

What counts as harassment from an ex? ›

Making threats to hurt you or your loved ones. Making threats to self-harm. Using phrases like “If I can't have you, no one else will.” Humiliating you in front of other people.

Is writing a letter stalking? ›

Non-criminal behavior could include sending letters, delivering unwanted gifts, or making phone calls to the victim. These behaviors are considered stalking when the victim feels they are threatened and are fearful.

What do you do when your ex is bothering you? ›

Here are six tips to gain the clean break you desire.
  1. Directly state that you want him out of your life. ...
  2. Do not respond to any of his communication. ...
  3. Unfriend, unfollow, and consider doing the same with his friends. ...
  4. Have his emails sent directly to 'trash. ...
  5. Block his number.
  6. Don't check on him.
2 Jun 2015

How do I make my ex love me again? ›

Remind your ex of happy memories.

Talking about happy memories is a good way to rekindle an old flame. By reminding your ex of happy time that you shared, you will help them to see the good in your relationship and feel more open to reconciliation.

How do you make him regret breaking up with u? ›

If you want to make a guy regret losing you, avoid talking to him for about a month after the breakup and focus on improving yourself instead. For example, join a club, try out a new hobby, hang out with friends, or reconnect with someone you've lost touch with.

How do you tell if you'll get back together? ›

  1. They're Trying To Get To Know You Again. ...
  2. They're The One Reaching Out. ...
  3. They're Sharing What's Going On In Their Life. ...
  4. They Ask About Your Dating Life. ...
  5. They Act Jealous. ...
  6. They Share Their Relationship Status. ...
  7. They Stay Connected On Social Media. ...
  8. They Keep Bringing Up Cute Memories.
10 Nov 2017

What is the best goodbye message? ›

General Saying Goodbye Quotes
  • “They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.” – ...
  • “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” – ...
  • “Farewell! ...
  • “It is so hard to leave—until you leave. ...
  • “If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” –
23 Sept 2022

What flower symbolizes break up? ›

From then on, the yellow rose became the symbol of adultery, betrayal, or break-up.

Should you wish your ex Happy Valentines Day? ›

If you have some unresolved feelings or are missing them, it could help to discuss it with a friend, according to Leckie. If your motivations are simply to wish them well or tell them that you appreciate them, then it could be a nice message to send.

Why would a narcissist send flowers? ›

A narcissist may call you several times in a day telling you how much they love you. They may also send you flowers and expensive gifts. The effect of love bombing is that the target lowers their boundaries. This would cause them to give the person with narcissism what they desire.


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