The 7 Best Ways To Deal With Narcissistic Rage And Abuse (2022)

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Last Updated on December 12, 2021 by Randy Withers, LCMHC

While we all have a level of narcissistic tendencies, you’ll be happy to know only0.5% to 1% of the population(3/4 of which are male) have NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Some tendencies like ambition or personal pride are healthy and should be encouraged within reason. Other times, it gets way out of control and can be categorically narcissistic. Narcissism is particularly difficult to deal with, especially when dealing with narcissistic rage.

What is Narcissistic Rage, and how can you deal with it? I wrote these 7 tips to help you deal with Narcissistic Rage.

The 7 Best Ways To Deal With Narcissistic Rage And Abuse (1)

What Is Narcissistic Rage?

Narcissistic rage is very different compared to the rage that a normal person feels. They really can’t be categorized the same way except that both impair judgment.

In the case of narcissistic rage, it’s a reaction to a perceived threat to their personal image of their self-worth. It can manifest as either an extreme outburst or complete silence and is linked with NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Narcissistic rage is based on vengeance with a goal of building themselves back up on a false sense of self-worth. It’s a self-protection mechanism that can even go as far as murder if it will undo the “wrong” they believe has happened.

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(Video) 7 Tips To Defend Yourself Against Narcissistic Rage

Distorted Thinking: 5 Common Cognitive Distortions And How To Fight Them

To that end, dealing with a narcissist at the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) level is especially dangerous. It’s important to know the common triggers, such as rejection, neglect, and criticism. This is because these triggers come across as revealing the “true-self” of the narcissist.

Because narcissists are often fragile under the surface, they need constructs of perfectionism to support their view of themselves and the world. Rejection in relationships and in business places can beone of the worstdevastating blows since we so highly prize acceptance in our society.

What a narcissist craves is attention, undue praise, and more than only acceptance they want to be raised above all others.

When you outright reject, criticize, or don’t show the praise they think they deserve (neglect in their minds), you are stepping on a landmine.

The Takeaway

What happens next isa smear campaign, passive-aggressive behavior, suppressed emotions, the silent treatment, and sometimes physical threats and violence. Their aggression has infinite memory.

That is to say, they won’t forget “what you did to them” and they’ll bide their time for vengeance. Not only will they snub you but they’re talking behind your back, throwing shade when you’re present, andgaslighting you the whole way.

In the next section, we’ll outline how to deal with it in practical ways in common situations. As we’ve heard it said: knowing is half the battle. Now that you know the triggers, you canlearn how to avoid and handle them.

Best Ways To Deal With Narcissistic Rage

1. Don’t Be Baited

Narcissists want attention and they want fuel for their fire. A narcissist tries to bait you into an argument by making a strawman argument to deflect and becomes a victim by telling others how “crazy” you’re acting.

Don’t be baited into an argument, especially in front of others. They are looking for an argument to play the victim and get sympathy in the eyes of other people.

It isn’t always possible to physically distance yourself in a work situation. However, it can be the best method of preventing baiting. In our personal lives, it can be painful to end a relationship but it can be done.

(Video) 7 Triggers Of Narcissistic Rage And How To Avoid Them

Otherwise, take a breath and put on a silent smile.

RELATED: 7 Warning Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

They are also skillful at baiting people into reciprocating communication but don’t fall for it. They’ll even get other people to try to convince you to restart communication.

2. Don’t Accept Their Blame

Don’t let them unload their responsibility onto you. If something goes wrong in a narcissist’s life-plan and they make a mistake or are caught breaking the rules they’ll try to shift that blame to others.

Because they’re pseudo-perfectionists they fear their “true-self” will be unmasked and they’ll be outed as an average person. To combat this, they try to deflect to the easiest target possible—usually in a controlled panic, because they can’t beseenas panicking.

3. Fight Back With Kindness

If you canshow compassion to a narcissistin a moment where they expect you to react in anger you get the upper hand. You take away the moment they planned to use to become the victim in the eyes of others.

In addition, when you do this you open up the possibility of understanding why they are doing what they do. Often, their upbringing was from a place of heavy ridicule and reproof, which tore at their self-esteem in a deep way. Outside of that private pain, they adapted by creating a facade of perfection which you so audaciously are trying to tear away.

Of course, you are not condoning their behavior and thinking. But their weapons don’t cut so deeply into you when you see that it all comes from a place of fear. Honest compassion is a powerful weapon against narcissists.

The problem is that while this is the best course of action, it initially outs them and ups their panic level.

4. Make and Stick to Boundaries

Breaking boundaries play into their need for control in all things, including sexually. Part of this is infringing on the boundaries of others and crossing over it intentionally to take control.

This comes as a culmination of being unaccountable, trying to be the center of attention, breaking rules because they don’t apply to them,and being unreasonable in getting their way. Breaking boundaries because they are above everyone and everything else is what narcissists do best.

Preventing them from doing that by calling them out publicly will incur their narcissist rage, but will ensure they are contained.

Making professional and personal boundaries clear and open is one of the biggest moves, but you have to stick to it. You can’t let them get away with it. Make sure to enforce boundaries calmly.

Note: If you need support dealing with narcissistic rage, consider online therapy with TalkSpace. Get your discount here.

(Video) 7 Comments That Easily Trigger A Narcissist's Anger

5. Give Equal Weight to Your Own Feelings

That means you need to care about yourself as much as the tendency is not to trample on someone else’s rights or feelings. A narcissist, especially a grandiose version, is a master manipulator like a psychopath. If you don’t validate your own emotional needs and health, you’ll never find stability in your life.

That being said and taking to heart our advice to not be baited into arguments, don’t defend yourself by having a verbal argument.

Logic will not win out, and you will only make them look like a victim, vindicating them. Instead, protect yourself by enactingself-care initiatives. Learning how to keep your cool and speak softly is very hard, but you can do it.

Lastly, protect your reputation by documenting everything—texts, emails, and more—from the moment you see definite red flags.

6. Defend Yourself:Prevent Bullying Without Fighting

Getting to the point, it’s futile to get into an argument with a narcissist, especially one in narcissistic rage. If you’ve been baited into an argument, be ready for bullying.

Logic won’t help you here, neither will planning out how to explain the pain you feel by their actions. Neither do they care, it will spur them on to continue their campaign of horror.

RELATED: How To Use The Gray Rock Method To Repel Narcissists (and Other Toxic People)

It isn’t a matter of being more intelligent or knowing more about things. In their worldview and viewpoint, they are the king or queen, the expert, and god. If you need anything more evidential, look no further than the first 2020 presidential debate.

By fighting with a narcissist you are capitulating to their rules, and they are therefore the winner. Instead, don’t let them have their way. This involves being a little like them and pulling the rug out from under them.

First, walk away from the argument. If you can’t, be calm. If you’re in an entrenched war, make sure to make it your priority that they will not wasteyourenergy and resources—instead they simply waste theirs.

Identify the narcissistic traits and attacks through their narcissistic rage. Identify who you are, as well, because one of their main tactics is gaslighting. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there is no partnership, only #1 and #2.

If you deny them superiority, you are the winner. You don’t have to win, you just don’t play the game.

7. Make Sure to Document Everything

The narcissist, especially when acting on their narcissistic rage, has an incredible memory for actions they perceive as slights and moves to subvert them. From the smallest look, twitch, or hesitation you don’t remember doing a moment ago, they have extrapolated a whole pathway of conscious thought on your part.

You can’t beat that kind of engagement with their surroundings. It isn’t that they’re geniuses, it’s that they care somuch about every little thing you do.

(Video) Narcissistic Rage Types and What You're dealing With

You can only fight fire with fire in this regard, by documenting all interactions. Keep a journal of interactions, keep texts, keep emails, and all data that you possibly can.

Believe it or not, narcissists will go as far as lawsuits to meet their goal of bringing you beneath them. “The one that got away” doesn’t apply with them. They will hyperfocus you down at a moment you least expect in a way you never would have thought.

Break Free From Narcissistic Rage

Narcissism is a broad category of emotions and behaviors on a wide spectrum. While we all carry traits of narcissism, it can get out of hand in a bad way in someone with NPD.Don’t let someone with NPD get away with narcissistic rage by following the tips in this article.

You don’t have to live with it, and you have a right to peace and security in your life.

If you feel these points have helped you, we encourage you to keep reading about narcissism. You may know about a person with narcissism, but continuing to arm yourself with knowledge about narcissism is a step top the pathto more healthy interactions with them.

Don’t stop here, I urge you to keep up with your search for stability, safety, and health when dealing with narcissism.

References

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(Video) 7 Tips On How To Handle A Narcissistic Husband When He Is In A Rage

FAQs

What triggers narcissistic rage? ›

An unstable sense of self-esteem that makes them feel as though they are at risk of being "found out" can result in rage when triggered. Facing a setback or disappointment that triggers shame and shatters one's self-image, can then triggers anger.

What is the best way to outsmart a narcissist? ›

How to Outsmart a Narcissist
  1. Separate yourself to cut off their narcissistic supply.
  2. Take time to heal.
  3. Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.
  4. React with empathy and respect.
  5. Act unresponsive around them.
  6. Disengage from their conversations.
  7. Set and enforce clear boundaries.

What happens during narcissistic rage? ›

Narcissistic rage can be defined as intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression when a narcissist experiences a setback or disappointment, which shatters his (or her) illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, and superiority, and triggers inner inadequacy, shame, and vulnerability.

What are narcissist weaknesses? ›

A very obvious weakness of the narcissist is their inability to self-reflect and self-analyze. In fact, they're incapable of looking within to understand themselves. They usually use a number of defense mechanisms when it comes to accepting their many insecurities.

What irritates a narcissist the most? ›

Narcissists love attention, validation, and power. So what drives a narcissist crazy? Simply put, anything that jeopardizes their basic needs for superiority can quickly irritate them. If you want to know how to infuriate a narcissist, you can look no further than giving them nothing.

How do you get revenge on a narcissist? ›

The easiest way to do it is to give them attention (the thing they want the most) and then take it away. Start a conversation with them and then turn your focus to another friend or colleague—the narcissist will spiral and try desperately to get their supply of compliments and attention back.

What are narcissist most afraid of? ›

Narcissists are terrified of being alone, and their greatest fear is abandonment. Setting clear boundaries or not reacting to their chaotic manipulation will cause them to become afraid of losing you even though they may never admit it.

How do you stop a narcissist from your life? ›

Here's how to get out with your sanity intact.
  1. Go no-contact—absolutely no-contact.
  2. Just go. No lingering goodbyes.
  3. Consider blocking common friends.
  4. Write down why you left.
  5. Assume that the narcissist will move on quickly.
  6. Give yourself time to grieve.
  7. Keep yourself busy.
  8. Copyright 2016 Sarkis Media.
16 Jun 2016

What happens when a narcissist is defeated? ›

In general, it may involve intense emotional reactions and a tendency toward vindictive behaviors, but it could also lead to depression and withdrawal. Narcissistic collapse isn't a permanent occurrence once it happens. Typically, the emotional pain will decrease and the person may return to feeling their usual.

What phrases to use with a narcissist? ›

Other Phrases to Say to a Narcissist Can Be:
  • “You have a right to hold your opinion and so do I but I don't agree with you.”
  • “Let's agree to disagree.”
  • “Let's work on this together.”
  • “Give me your advice. ...
  • “I hear what you are talking about.”
  • “I am sorry you feel this way.”
  • “I want to tell you how I feel about this.”
13 Jun 2022

What happens when you hurt a narcissist ego? ›

If you're wondering what happens when you hurt a narcissist's ego, it's called narcissistic injury, and manifests in narcissistic rage and/or passive aggressive behavior.

What to say to a narcissist when they insult you? ›

What to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
  • “I don't agree with you, but you have a right to have your opinion. ...
  • “You are certainly entitled to your opinion. ...
  • “We can agree to disagree.”
  • “We will work on this together.”
  • “Let me ask your advice on this. ...
  • “I hear what you're saying.”
  • “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
12 Dec 2021

Do narcissists buy gifts? ›

According to a study done in Psychology Today, there have been several findings that narcissists give “gifts” that are really an investment in their own desires, not because they want to provide happiness to the people in their lives.

Why are narcissists so mean? ›

"Narcissists are primed to be abusive because they're so hypersensitive, and they don't have empathy, and they don't have object constancy," Greenberg said. "So they are primed to take offence and be abusive and not really understand... It's a lot of work for the non-narcissistic mate."

How does a narcissist treat his woman? ›

First, narcissists guarantee success by targeting codependents: They also try to make others feel special using compliments and flattery. They then go on to play with difficult emotions like shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control over their victim.

What happens when you embarrass a narcissist? ›

If you humiliate a narcissist, it is going to cause them to experience a huge narcissistic injury. This “injury” will trigger their suppressed painful emotions and compromises their emotional stability.

What happens when you don't reply to a narcissist? ›

If you ignore a narcissist and deny them their source, they may become enraged and try even harder for your attention – especially in ways that can be toxic or abusive. Ignoring a narcissist will enrage them because of their fragile egos. They'll feel humiliated and lash out against you to protect themselves.

How do you handle a narcissist successfully? ›

What to Do With a Narcissist
  1. Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist's strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. ...
  2. Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. ...
  3. Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise.

How does no contact affect a narcissist? ›

Going no contact angers the narcissist and pushes more for communication. If you are able to go “No Contact”, and stop answering their phone calls, texts and emails, get ready to be barraged by more calls, texts, more emails and them showing up at your door, even when you have made it clear you want to be left alone.

Can you manipulate a narcissist? ›

When done properly, manipulating a narcissist can temporarily protect victims of narcissistic abuse and give them time to put themselves in a position from which they can set and maintain firm boundaries with their abuser.

Why do narcissists want to destroy you? ›

They want to see how much they can destroy you

They don't want to put the work into maintaining everything themselves, which is why they don't stick around once they've destroyed their target's life. They simply move on and do it to someone else, because that's the way they entertain themselves.

How an empath destroys a narcissist? ›

The super-empath's most effective tool is to turn off their emotions. They become icy cold, and they can then attack the narcissist's vulnerable ego. They are quite capable of going for the jugular when they put their mind to it, and for the narcissist, it can destroy them.

How do you teach a narcissist a lesson? ›

HOW TO TEACH A NARCISSIST A LESSON - YouTube

Will the narcissist ever regret losing me? ›

Do narcissists regret discarding or losing someone? It is common for people with a narcissistic personality disorder to regret discarding or losing someone, but it does not mean what you might think. If they feel regret, it is not because they hurt you. It is for losing something that they value.

How do you say goodbye to a narcissist? ›

Be blunt, direct, and tell them it's clear to you how they are. Tell them you're aware of their actions and they'll feel they have no real power of you. Most narcissists are driven by their sense of shame they would never admit, and you can point this out to them. They'll be astounded and confused.

When an empath is done with a narcissist? ›

One of the first things that happen to an Empath when they leave a relationship with a Narcissist is that they will deeply fear that they are a narcissist themselves. Taking a step toward yourself by acknowledging what you need and letting go of the idea that it's all your fault will feel selfish and wrong.

What hurts a narcissist more than indifference? ›

Exposure in my view hurts a narcissist just as much as indifference and in doing so you grow in strength and self-validation.. Do not let them shame you into silence for their unacceptable behaviour, this shows you are truly indifferent.

What brings a narcissist down? ›

The best way to shut down a narcissist is to not engage with them at all and to go no contact. People that are narcissistic want things from you – they want your attention and your emotional reaction.

How do you break a trauma bond with a narcissist? ›

An 11 Step Program to Break a Trauma Bond Created by 431 Survivors
  1. Learn Everything You Can About Narcissistic Abuse.
  2. Make Sure That You're Taking Care of Yourself.
  3. Keep a Journal to Avoid Any Confusion.
  4. Learn How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist.
  5. Make Sure You're Living in the Present.
  6. Use the Gray Rock Method.
27 Jun 2022

Does blocking a narcissist hurt them? ›

They're very unlikely to apologize or change. Blocking a narcissist is not the move if you want them to improve. If your goal here is to get the narcissist to realize what they've been doing wrong and change, blocking them is unlikely to work.

How do you emotionally detach from a narcissist? ›

How to Disengage
  1. Stop all communication – take a break from social media, do not answer your phone or text messages from the narcissist. ...
  2. Have a plan – know when you are going to leave and where you are going to go. ...
  3. Find support – work with a therapist or counselor experienced in supporting people leaving narcissists.
1 Feb 2021

What does cutting off all contact with a narcissist do to them? ›

When you cut off contact with a narcissist, their first instinct is to reach for things that have worked in the past. The most common way they do this is reverting the relationship to the “happy days” you had early on.

What are the signs that a narcissist is losing control? ›

They will ignore your feelings and act as if they don't exist. The narcissist will force their will onto you, which sometimes involves stalking. You may not even be trying to escape from your narcissistic partner- you may have chosen to shut them out of a certain area of your life.

What happens to narcissists in old age? ›

A narcissist's ability to charm and impress also diminishes with age, and they become less attractive on every level. Narcissistic supply, or their excessive need for attention and admiration from others, becomes harder to come by.

How do you know when a narcissist is defeated? ›

5 Signs You have Beat the Narcissist
  1. Give them no attention. ...
  2. Accept the fact about them. ...
  3. Don't listen to their judgment. ...
  4. Don't forget their intentions. ...
  5. Don't stay too close to them. ...
  6. 7 Signs of Self-Sabotage. ...
  7. 5 Patterns that Mess Up Your Relationships. ...
  8. 7 Signs You Might Be Emotionally Abusive.
17 Feb 2021

How do you have difficult conversations with a narcissist? ›

What should I say to someone who is narcissistic?
  1. Stay calm and respectful. ...
  2. Use 'I' statements. ...
  3. Advocate for yourself. ...
  4. Enforce boundaries. ...
  5. Avoid certain phrases. ...
  6. Remember you're not at fault. ...
  7. Know that you can't change them. ...
  8. Rely on a support system.

What do narcissists say in an argument? ›

It's not my fault, it's because of you/money/stress/work.” “If you wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that.” “You knew what you were getting into; this is just the way that I am.”

How long does narcissistic rage last? ›

In a survey we conducted among 400 survivors of narcissistic abuse, we found that the average duration of a single narcissistic rage episode is three hours. We also found that the average duration of narcissistic rage from a narcissist who was experiencing multiple episodes is five-and-a-half days.

What triggers narcissistic rage? ›

An unstable sense of self-esteem that makes them feel as though they are at risk of being "found out" can result in rage when triggered. Facing a setback or disappointment that triggers shame and shatters one's self-image, can then triggers anger.

Why are narcissists so angry? ›

Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed.

How does a narcissist act when they are mad? ›

The angry outburst of a narcissist is like a two-year-old temper tantrum. It appears out of nowhere, creates an unnecessary scene, and shocks others into inaction. It is the ultimate in selfish behavior as everything immediately becomes about them and what they want.

What infuriates a narcissist? ›

Narcissists love attention, validation, and power. So what drives a narcissist crazy? Simply put, anything that jeopardizes their basic needs for superiority can quickly irritate them. If you want to know how to infuriate a narcissist, you can look no further than giving them nothing.

What are narcissist most afraid of? ›

Narcissists are terrified of being alone, and their greatest fear is abandonment. Setting clear boundaries or not reacting to their chaotic manipulation will cause them to become afraid of losing you even though they may never admit it.

What to say to a narcissist when they insult you? ›

What to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
  • “I don't agree with you, but you have a right to have your opinion. ...
  • “You are certainly entitled to your opinion. ...
  • “We can agree to disagree.”
  • “We will work on this together.”
  • “Let me ask your advice on this. ...
  • “I hear what you're saying.”
  • “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
12 Dec 2021

What hurts a narcissist more than indifference? ›

Exposure in my view hurts a narcissist just as much as indifference and in doing so you grow in strength and self-validation.. Do not let them shame you into silence for their unacceptable behaviour, this shows you are truly indifferent.

What happens when you embarrass a narcissist? ›

If you humiliate a narcissist, it is going to cause them to experience a huge narcissistic injury. This “injury” will trigger their suppressed painful emotions and compromises their emotional stability.

Why do narcissists want to destroy you? ›

They want to see how much they can destroy you

They don't want to put the work into maintaining everything themselves, which is why they don't stick around once they've destroyed their target's life. They simply move on and do it to someone else, because that's the way they entertain themselves.

How an empath destroys a narcissist? ›

The super-empath's most effective tool is to turn off their emotions. They become icy cold, and they can then attack the narcissist's vulnerable ego. They are quite capable of going for the jugular when they put their mind to it, and for the narcissist, it can destroy them.

What phrases to use with a narcissist? ›

Other Phrases to Say to a Narcissist Can Be:
  • “You have a right to hold your opinion and so do I but I don't agree with you.”
  • “Let's agree to disagree.”
  • “Let's work on this together.”
  • “Give me your advice. ...
  • “I hear what you are talking about.”
  • “I am sorry you feel this way.”
  • “I want to tell you how I feel about this.”
13 Jun 2022

What happens when a narcissist is defeated? ›

In general, it may involve intense emotional reactions and a tendency toward vindictive behaviors, but it could also lead to depression and withdrawal. Narcissistic collapse isn't a permanent occurrence once it happens. Typically, the emotional pain will decrease and the person may return to feeling their usual.

How do you outsmart a control freak? ›

Don't try to control a control freak.

Judith Orloff advises, "Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach." Control freaks love a good power struggle; playing into it never ends well.

Videos

1. 10 Ways to Deal With a Narcissist
(Psych2Go)
2. How To Handle A Narcissist - Dr. Phil
(Phil in the Blanks)
3. The 5 Signs Someone Has Suffered Narcissistic Abuse
(MedCircle)
4. 8 Signs You Are Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse
(Psych2Go)
5. 10 Tactics to Put a Narcissist in Their Place
(Psychology Element)
6. 7 WAYS TO OUTSMART A NARCISSIST IN CONVERSATION: Disarm the Narcissist with These Tips
(Common Ego)

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